Bell in Real Life

Soundtrack for the DA Twitter RP

2011-05-09T22:25:00.057-04:00

The Champions 'n' Posse
Queen - We Are the Champions
B-Real, Coolio, Method Man, LL Cool J And Busta Rhymes - Hit Em High (The Monstars' Anthem)
Muse - Uprising
Queen - We Will Rock You
Mika, RedOne - Kick Ass (We Are Young)
Fort Minor - Remember the Name

Any Strong Female Character
Endrilliance - Fight For You (Re-Remix)

All Oppressed Mages
Black Eyed Peas - Imma Be

@SheyHawke
Imogen Heap - The Walk
Beyonce - Woman Like Me
Meredith Brooks - Bitch
Natalie Portman Uncensored Rap
Pharrell Williams - Despicable Me
Daryl Hall & John Oates - Maneater
The Pussycat Dolls - I Don't Need a Man
Poets of the Fall - Don't Mess With Me

@SheyHawke and @LoghainMacTir
Annie Get Your Gun - Anything You Can Do

@SheyHawke and @Maidievh_Hawke
Poets of the Fall - Overboard

@babbyfacedhawke and @twohandedblade
Imogen Heap - The Moment I Said It
Erin McCarley - Sticky Sweet

@Nathaniel_Howe and @wardenamell
Colbie Caillat - Kiss the Girl
Tegan and Sara - You Wouldn't Like Me
Our Lady - Clumsy
Flogging Molly - Devil's Dance Floor
Everclear - Amphetamine
Coheed and Cambria - A Rush and a Push and the Land is Ours
The Mountain Goats - Autoclave

@JaqsSands
RENT - Out Tonight and Another Day
HIGH and MIGHTY COLOR - OVER

@JaqsSands and @Carver_Hawke
John Legend - P.D.A. (Don't Care)
Trapt - Echo
Leather and Lace
Michal Buble - Crazy Love

@Carver_Hawke
Collective Soul - Smashing Young Man
Trapt - Headstrong

@WCAlistair
Fergie - Clumsy

@apostitutanders and @Garrett_Hawke
La Roux - In For the Kill
Ludacris - What's Your Fantasy
Pitbull - I Know You Want Me (Calle Ocho)
Samwell - What What (In the Butt)
Electric Six - Gay Bar
Rascal Flatts - I Won't Let Go
Enrique Iglesias - Tonight (I'm Lovin' You)

@apostitutanders
Powderfinger - These Days
Bruno Mars - The Lazy Song
Run Kid Run - Freedom

@MarianHawke
Beyonce - Single Ladies

@MarianHawke and @SebastianVael
Pussy Cat Dolls - Buttons
Red Hot Chili Peppers - Hard to Concentrate

@Maidievh_Hawke
Emilie Autumn - Swallow
Mae - Anything
E Nomine - Espiritu Del Aire Translation
Destiny's Child - Bootylicious
Queen - Fat Bottomed Girls
Owl City - To The Sky

@EnchanterOrsino
Kevin Rudolf - Let it Rock ft. Lil Wayne
Poets of the Fall - Fire
Sir Mix-A-Lot - Baby Got Back

@MaidievhHawke and @EnchanterOrsino
Sara Bareilles - The Light
Halou - Honeythief
Florence + the Machine - Howl
Poets of the Fall - No End No Beginning
Savage Garden - Chained to You
Marilyn Manson - The Love Song
Savage Garden - You Can Still Be Free
Lydia Denker - One Perfect Day

@LoghainMacTir
Jill Scott - Hate on Me
Mumford and Sons - Little Lion Man
The Fray - Fall Away

@Alia_Hawke
Janelle Monae - Cold War
Green Day - She's a Rebel
L7 - Shitlist

@AngstyAnders
Three Days Grace - Riot
Imogen Heap - Glittering Cloud
Ensiferum - Tale of Revenge
Turisas - Fear the Fear
Powderfinger - These Days
Ke$ha - Blow
Hadouken - Bombshock

@Fem_Tabris
Dragonette - Take It Like a Man
Theory of a Deadman - Bad Girlfriend

@Ophelia_Hawke
Imogen Heap - Wait it Out
Mae - Reflections
Switchfoot - Dare You to Move
Bruno Mars - The Lazy Song
Evermore - Light Surrounding You
HIGH and MIGHTY COLOR - PRIDE Translation
Mae - Sun (Acoustic)
Erin McCarley - Pitter Pat

@FenrisFugitive @MarianHawke @SebastianVael
Florence + the Machine - Hurricane Drunk
Spin Doctors - Two Princes

@FenrisFugitive and @MarianHawke
Evermore - Come to Nothing

@FenrisFugitive
Alex Lloyd - Never Meant to Fail
ABBA - Dancing Queen
Sara Bareilles - Gonna Get Over You
MIKA - Blue Eyes

@twohandedblade
ABBA - Dancing Queen

@Garrett_Hawke
The Beatles - Misery
Trapt - Headstrong

@Alia_Hawke and @AngstyAnders
Dev - Monster
Our Lady Peace - Thief
She Wants Revenge - I Don't Wanna Fall In Love
Jawbreaker - I Love You So Much It's Killing Us Both

@KC_Meredith and @thetaxspawn
Nick Can Can Not
Always I Want to Be With You

@thetaxspawn
The Rolling Stones - Sympathy for the Devil

@MarksmanVarric
ZZ Top - Sharp Dressed Man
Forest of Chest Hair

@Apostate_Anders
Rod Stewart - Da Ya Think I'm Sexy?
Gunther - Ding Ding Dong
Flight of the Conchords - Business Time
Electric Six - Danger! High Voltage
Machine Gun Fellatio - Pussy Town

@WardenAmell
Within Temptation - Ice Queen
AFI - Medicate
Eluveitie - Slania's Song

@Nathaniel_Howe
Tom Waits - Sins of My Father
Flogging Molly - Black Friday Rule

@Asef_Hawke and @KeeperMerrill
Colbie Caillat - Bubbly
Owl City - The Bird and The Worm
Poets of the Fall - Miss Impossible

@KeeperMerrill
Celtic Woman - The Voice
Hampton and the Hampsters - Get Happy

@Asef_Hawke
Pixies - Where is My Mind

@Charles_thecat
The Mean Kitty Song

@KC_Meredith
Napoleon XIV - They're Coming to Take Me Away
The Ramones - I Wanna Be Sedated

@nuttyoldbat
Come Little Children
Dissection - Black Dragon

@TheLadyTemplar
Hellsing - The Fundamentum

@RikkaHawke
Madonna - Frozen

@GC_Elthina
Mannheim Steamroller - Veni, Veni, Emanuel

Your Love Sucks, A Writing Adventure! Part One

2011-03-07T11:30:00.001-05:00

Part One: Just Because You Have a Pussy, Does Not Mean You Need to BE ONE

Warning: possible triggers for rape survivors later on. Also cursing, judgments, and political incorrectness because I can.

I've been reading a lot of amateur and fan fiction lately (and often the two overlap), and I just have to say:

STOP MAKING YOUR SUPPOSEDLY-BADASS FEMALE CHARACTERS WUSSES.

I am so sick of seeing an author's only recourse to developing a relationship involving making a normally badass chick vulnerable in a contrived way that directly relates to her woman-parts. Somehow, all her clothes are gone but this really revealing number. Somehow, a normally self-aware character gets taken by surprise. Somehow, despite this woman having previously gutted a zombie/fought a dragon/beat down a thug/kicked the ass of something-or-other, she suddenly finds herself in a situation where she can't fight back and is in danger of being raped, just so she can be saved by the attractive male character and it can spur on their relationship.

It's like their creativity is so bankrupt that they can't imagine how to get two people together without a damsel-in-distress-hero-prince scenario. It makes me wonder how they develop relationships in real life. Do they walk down dark alleys in the hopes that person-they-admire will swoop in and save them from armed muggers? They can't all be that stupid, because this shit keeps getting written.

The big go-to is rape, or, to be more precise: rape-that-happened-in-the-past or rape-that-was-going-to-happen-but-they-were-saved-from and rape-that-happened-and-you-will-comfort-me-from-it. Rape is huge in the amateur writing/fanfiction world, because it makes a strong character vulnerable and gives the chance for rescuing and emotional/mental healing. It is so rarely handled well that now rape has become almost impossible to handle seriously. And rape is serious, no matter what gender/sex is involved. Using it as an instant tragedy generator is really crass if you can't pull it off.

And, really, most people can't pull it off. I don't even know if I can pull it off and have spent weeks agonizing over its application and execution, and will spend probably months continuing to agonize about it. My writing is definitely still in the amateur spectrum, and that makes me worry about this kind of thing.

Yet, when I get comments like "i have a suggestion: Why not have [main female character] face something that leaves her unconscious or in an extremely vulnerable position and have [main male character] come to the rescue?" I just can't help but laugh and then share it with everyone. Because I'm a jerk, obviously, but also because it's so ridiculous. I had to figure out how to politely say "Thanks but FUCK NO" to the commenter, and then sit back and wonder if it's something I did wrong. Did I not make it clear that they are uncomfortable strangers? Did it seem like my female character would do anything more than thank the male character for doing his job?

For background, male character is a warrior, and so is female character. If one is hurt, the other is supposed to help the other. It'd be like falling in love with the mailman for bringing you the mail. How romantic, he did what he was supposed to. Granted, working in such close proximity can engender closeness and later feelings born from having to perform in tandem to complete a goal, but that would take character development and gosh we can't have that let's just snog.

Not to say superficial flings or spur-of-the-moment relationships can't happen, and can't be written well, but if what you're going for is love-ever-after and you don't even explore how ridiculous the entire situation is, and I mean that you had to make your female vulnerable because she couldn't connect with the guy when she was being badass, then I'm just not going to be able to buy into the happily-ever-after. Which, I suppose, I don't have to, since you're obviously writing it to fulfill your own fantasy and not in the pursuit of any free-standing merit.

And before you go into "that's the point of fanfiction" please remember I also included "amateur" fiction into this, and that if you didn't write your fanfiction in the hopes that others would read it, then you wouldn't post it on the internet.

So, My Boyfriend Won't Move to Arizona With Me

2011-03-02T11:00:00.005-05:00

Me: You should be more whipped so I can make you move somewhere against your will.

Jordan: In order to be pussy-whipped, you have to care a lot more about sex than I do.

Me: *whine* I care about sex!

Jordan: You're dick-whipped!

Me: I'M SUPPOSED TO HAVE THE POWER IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.

Obviously, we are two very mature individuals to be going on three years of a long distance relationship.

Also, I'm now in like-like with the phrase "dick-whipped." Almost as good as vagina-o's.

I'm Looking for a Good Neighborhood

2011-03-01T11:48:00.004-05:00

You know, it's always felt like blogging is missing something for me. Well, not 'always,' but for nearly a year now after quitting my successful World of Warcraft blog. A year counts as 'always,' okay?

Anyway, when I was writing that blog, I had a specific focus, an area of expertise (*snort*), and an audience. That audience still messages me to this day to see if I'm playing again because they want my advice. It was, and still is, an awesome feeling, though now it's tainted by irrational guilt because I can't help anymore.

But, that's not what I'm really missing.

What I'm missing is my online community. I still talk with a good many people who wrote (or still write) WoW-centered blogs, but I don't 'belong' to their group anymore. Not to say they exclude me, but how can I even begin to talk about something I know nothing about? Without being a douche, anyway.

So now, I have this blog, and it's completely focus-less and rambly, sporadically updated and impossibly twitchy, and I just don't know what I want to do with it. I don't know where it 'fits.' And yes, I know, "Write for yourself and what you want to write," etc. but that doesn't solve my problem of feeling like I lack a group, a sense of belonging to something larger than myself.

I've collected friend's blogs through general Facebook and Twitter stalking, but that seems to hardly amount to a greater community. In the end it boils down to severely confused 20-somethings who alternate between depression, revelation, anxiety and introspection. And if anyone knows anything about 20 somethings, it's that we haven't got a fucking clue most of the time and nothing we ever do is really cohesive, if even coherent.

I don't know if I really fit into a lot of the blog communities I do read, either. I mean, I read mommy bloggers a lot of the time (which should really be described as "real life bloggers who just happen to have children") and I'm not even close to being a mom.

And I'm definitely not saying I'm being actively excluded from blogging communities. My narcissism and self-centerdness in that spectrum is confined quietly to my mind where it will never escape, thanks. I guess I'm just frustrated because I'm not sure where to go and belong (which harkens back to the '20 somethings haven't got a fucking clue'). I want to belong somewhere because human nature psychological buzz words mob mentality, but leaving it up to me to figure out where is as bad as handing me a map that doesn't talk to me.

Seriously, give me a map and I will have to rotate the map in the direction headed so that I can give accurate left-right directions, after running through "Never-Eat-Shredded-Wheat" in my head and holding out my fingers in order to find which hand makes the L-shape for left. I am not a good navigator.

My cartography deficiencies aside, I know I can't just sit and wait for someone to hand me a golden key to a community. It didn't work like that in a very specialized sector like WoW, it certainly won't work in the wide world of random internet blogs (though, I mean, if you have a golden key like that, I won't say no). It's just pinning down where I want to be that's the problem.

I'm trying out different things, and hoping they stick. I'm trying to be more active on the blogs I do read. I'm trying to post more. I even created my 30 Minute Comics tumblr, in an effort to get my friends (and hopefully, eventually, strangers) involved in something light-hearted and fun. And, you know, I have to write in here more often.

Which should be obvious, but, well, I'm a 20 something. Another thing we tend to be is oblivious.

My Secret Obsession

2011-02-25T11:00:00.003-05:00

If there's one thing I could be accused of hoarding, possibly beyond all reason, it would be notebooks. Spiral, composition, college-ruled, wide-ruled, five subject, three subject, one subject...it doesn't matter. If it is paper, ruled or blank or graph, bound together in some manner, then I am never, ever throwing it out.

I have to stay out of the office and school supply sections in the stores because I will take fifteen minutes out of my shopping time, at the least, to just look at paper bound inside thicker paper, or leather, or plastic, and some of them have cool designs, or are recycled newspaper, or rubber binding, or have magnetic clips, and some have paper that is ruled on one side and graph paper on the other, and some fit inside my purse while others need a backpack and and and and...

It's not just the notebooks, though I adore every single one. It's what's in them. Every silly little fanfiction from when I was ten, every original idea, every doodle and sketch, every hastily composed poem that I thought was award-winning verse...I kept it all. It's all mine. I flip through them and read through absolute crap involving my love affair with random anime characters and find some pretty cool gems buried in the filth.

I also remind myself how not to write a romance. But I can also open every harlequin book on the market and gag that down if I need a refresher in romantic predictability. Just as a heads up, the heated-arguments-with-a-slice-of-sexual-tension route is a little well-traveled. But I suppose predictability is helpful in literary porn as it helps us flip through to the steamy bits that much faster.

Anyway.

These notebooks are so important to me that, when my dad and I had a particularly bad fight and I thought I was being kicked out of the house, I salvaged two things first and foremost: a pearl ring my mother had given me that her grandmother had given her, and a messenger bag with a broken strap that was packed full of notebooks. It didn't matter that I hadn't looked at the contents of these notebooks but once a year since I stored them; I couldn't let them be lost to me. So in the car they went and are actually in my 'apartment' now, in the valued pile of 'shit I'm not getting rid of ever.'

For some semblance of value comparison, note that my Wii and all its accessories are still sitting in the 'undecided' area.

In those notebooks are two especially important composition books. The older of the two was one that my best friend ever and I wrote a co-authored X-Men Evolution fanfiction. This may not sound particularly awesome to you, but reading it now is pretty epic. We were something like...thirteen, fourteen years old, and she was visiting for the summer, because I'd moved to Pennsylvania, leaving her behind in Arizona. And that story is still pretty epic, and we can still remember important bits of it, almost a decade later. Silly fanfiction? Sure. Intense shot of nostalgia? Definitely.

The other is a red composition book, pasted to the hilt with magazine clippings. It was a note-passing book, between me and my friend Juli. Created on my impetus due to super petty high-school level envy that she was doing the same thing with our mutual friend K, and I was totally jealous that she wasn't doing it with me. It's been like five or six years now, I can own up to (some of) my insecurities. Reading through it now, I can laugh a little bit about how serious we thought life was then. I mean, some of it was serious (I believe that notebook was where I confessed that I'd been passing the medicine cabinet and contemplating downing everything in there (wow, dark place)), but a lot of it was just high school bullshit.

Though, I'm surprised we still call it 'high school bullshit' when everything that happened in high school tends to repeat itself in later life (also known as 'real life'), just on a different sort of scale and with different kinds of cliques. But I suppose high school bullshit is a condescending enough name for it, anyway.

I'm rambling.

Someday, I hope to do something with all of these notebooks. I hope they will be the impetus to me finally wrangling down a cohesive plot that isn't full of holes, and writing an excellent fantasy novel. And then, you know, getting as rich and famous as J.K. Rowling.

...

AHAHAHAHAHA*gasp*HAHAHAHAAAaaaaa...

EDIT: I used 'impetus' twice within a single blog post. Does this make me a snooty blogger?

Taking Accountability

2011-02-21T10:00:00.000-05:00

I don't think most people like to paint themselves as the bad guy. It makes you feel ugly inside, it hurts, to recognize flaws and know that you have the capacity to be terrible, or screw things up, or be wrong. It's hard to feel that way; it's hard to not defend yourself or admit that you don't always do your best.

But I've been trying lately to figure out what is wrong with me. To isolate those parts I'm unhappy with and adjust them, however I can. Not always to eliminate them, but even just to live with them, to change them...and improve.

I am not self-motivated. I cannot do things if the end result is simply for myself. I can't improve my life just for me. I've tried before, but then my jumble of anxiety, laziness, avoidance and fear of failure kick in, paralyzing me into a blob of useless inaction. I have been more motivated to create a change in my life in a week due to needing to be there for my brother, than I have in months of being unhappy with my own personal situation.

I am insecure. There is a part of me that is terrified of rejection. For months, I thought Jordan's interest in me amounted to a horrible practical joke, that at any moment someone would point and laugh and tell me I'd fallen for it, and what a dunce I was to think he could be interested in me. Thankfully, I swallowed it, and I put my trust in him to be genuine. And I've struggled with insecurity every step of the way, from my own feelings to other women being interested in him, to our few break ups and just plain old fear.

I avoid anything uncomfortable. Anything that could cause me fear, or anxiety, or just embarrassment, I shove to the side until it forces me to confront it. I put it off, and put it off, and put it off, hoping it will just vanish or take care of itself. For the moment, I've done that with some of my bills, knowing I don't have the money to pay them. I've been trying not to do it with this sudden plan to move to Arizona, even when there's a painful lump in my chest that's keeping me from sleeping well at night. And that's the worst of it; I know it makes me miserable to ignore these things, and yet I can't face them.

There's more, like my crippling fear of failure, or my impatience, but writing too much about this drags me down. While I can see it being helpful, possibly even therapeutic, writing about it forces me to think on it, which causes me to become even more anxious than normal. Rather than be a complete bundle of nerves, I'll save the others for some more soul searching later, and go back to the land of happy music.

I Made You A Mix CD

2011-02-18T14:08:00.004-05:00

Sometimes, I get a little too inundated with suck.

Life sucks a bit right now. I'm super broke, and am going to move back home to save money. I'm behind on bills. I'm having stomach problems and am constantly shaky like I'm on caffeine (when I'm not). My dreams are weird, I'm trying to find homes for the last rats despite not wanting to give them up, and I'm still not getting enough hours at work.

Despite all this, I'm tired of everything being so depressing.

I have friends who never, ever, ever write anything happy, and it really bums me out and paints them in a sort of bitter, cynical, world-hating light. I understand that blogs and such are there for people to vent and cry and everything like that, and I'm not knocking that at all. I'm just so tired of being anxious and I can't seem to leave it behind.

I pick up on people around me, and on things I read. The more depressing things get, the more depressed I get. I get even more stressed and anxious and I stop sleeping and I eat half a Large bag of Peanut Butter M&Ms and then get sicker and hate myself and urghhwvtibvyqkrclnej.

So now, as I tend to do when I hear people are depressed, I make a mixed CD for them. Since I can't physically make everyone a mix-CD, I am going to provide a list of "SMILE DAMMIT" music for you. Enjoy it, and enjoy your extended weekend, US-dwellers who get national holidays off.

Janelle Monae - Tightrope
Christopher Tin - Baba Yetu
Hanson - Thinking 'Bout Something
Cee Lo Green - Fuck You (NSFW)
Celtic Woman - Spanish Lady
Florence and the Machine - Dog Days Are Over
Green Leaves - Yatta
Maroon 5 - Kiwi (NSFW)
La Roux - Not Your Toy
Lily Allen - Knock 'Em Out
Plain White Tees - Rhythm of Love
Sniper Twins - Computer Friends
Michael Franti & Spearhead - Say Hey (I Love You)

Life Changes Quickly

2011-02-16T16:32:00.002-05:00

You can't ever predict what life is going to throw at you, despite all attempts to do so.

It wasn't too long ago I had set it firm in my mind that I was going to move to Texas. I didn't know when, but I'd hoped to manage it sometime this summer. Then all these snow days hit, and my paycheck took a drastic nose-dive, and I wasn't sure I would even be able to live on my own anymore. In fact, I'll be moving back in with my mom and stepdad in April.

It's amazing how ashamed and guilty that admission makes me feel.

And now, I'm not saving money to go to Texas. I'm scrounging as much as I can to get to Arizona. My brother is going through some very rough times, and the closest family is three or more states away. There seem to be more job opportunities out in Arizona, and I'm not tied down here. So I volunteered to head out.

By June, I should hopefully have something like $1500 saved. I'll move out there, and hopefully in with a friend if I can swing it, and find a new job so I can be close by. It's not something I mind doing, or that I don't want to do. I was born in Arizona, and I'm not unfamiliar with the area (completely). I have some friends there, and it could be a really great opportunity for me.

But I'm still so scared.

The farthest I've lived from family before has been four and a half hours. I moved away for my job, but even at my most solitary, family was two and a half hours away. My brother will be in Arizona, but he won't be able to come to me. It's a scary thing, to move so far away from what has been my biggest support base in life. I've been blessed with a very involved, loving and active family, and despite the bumps in the road and the problems we've had, leaving them will be the single toughest decision I've ever had to make.

I can hardly wrap my brain around it, that I'm planning to be gone in four and a half months. That I'm planning to live on my own, and on the opposite side of the country, from my mother and father and younger brother. That this will truly be me becoming an adult by stepping away from my support system and trying to hold it together, not entirely on my own, but without physical assistance or reassurance from those who have always been there for me.

It's frightening, and I'm not sure how ready I am for it yet. I still don't really think of myself as an adult, but this may just force me into a reality check.

Nice

2011-02-14T11:00:00.000-05:00

A conversation I was having with my mom and stepdad, brother and his girlfriend somehow migrated towards the topic of being 'nice' to your significant other. I made the statement that you don't have to be nice to your boyfriend, or girlfriend. They disagreed, saying you do, and it all got kind of convoluted and confusing from there, because I think they thought I meant being in a relationship gave you license to be mean.

That's not what I meant at all.

Let's look at the word "nice." According to dictionary.com:

nice
/naɪs/ [nahys]
–adjective, nic·er, nic·est.
1. pleasing; agreeable; delightful: a nice visit.
2. amiably pleasant; kind: They are always nice to strangers.

7. refined in manners, language, etc.: Nice people wouldn't do such things.
8. virtuous; respectable; decorous: a nice girl.

There are 17 definitions for "nice," but these were what I was thinking about at the time.

To me, "being nice" is more of an active thing, something you have to do. Being nice is going the extra mile, being pleasant when shit sucks, always thinking ahead for what other people might need, cultivating a cheerful, welcoming, helpful persona. Saying you 'should' be nice to your partner makes me feel like an expectation is placed upon you to always be 'refined in manners,' 'virtuous,' 'amiably pleasant,' and 'agreeable.'

And it may not be nice, but I don't agree with that.

A secure, stable, healthy relationship means you don't have to be nice. You don't have to be agreeable, or pleasant, all the time. You can have bad days, you can disagree, you can be downright bitchy, and know that just because you're having an off day doesn't mean you've somehow failed in a relationship, just as not having an off day, but maybe not going the extra mile, doesn't make you any less 'dutiful' of a significant other. You don't always have to bring roses home.

That's not to say being in a stable relationship gives you license to be mean. There is nothing stable in a relationship where one person is harsh or cruel. Yes, we all slip up, and yes, sometimes we say things we don't mean. But actively being mean is not what I'm advocating at all.

Maybe I feel this acutely because of how hard I had to work to convince myself that my lack of perfection will not cause my boyfriend to leave me. There was a point in time where I tried to fit into the role of the perfectly agreeable nice girl, and all it did was make me anxious and stressed, constantly frantic the facade would break and someone might, god forbid, think I'm human.

So, it's a relief for me to come to terms with not having to be nice, to be allowed to not share, or to say 'you're a jerk,' or tell someone I'm upset, or be angry, or just not go the extra mile. It's a relief to remember I don't have to be perfect to be loved. And it's a relief to know I can be a nice person without having to be nice all the time.

Oh, and, Happy Valentine's Day.

You're Going to Drive me to Death

2011-02-13T14:16:00.004-05:00

Seriously. It has been ten times in like the last three days that someone has decided to straddle the middle line on the freaking interstate and it just has to stop. One time it was a goddamn semi.

I have to drive a lot for work. I drive 30-40 minutes to work, 30 minutes between work sites, then 30 minutes home. No, it's not as much as some people do, but it's enough. And I know I'm not the best driver in the world, but I'm so sick of nearly being run off the road that I'm not sure what else to do.

I have cars that speed up as soon as I try to pass them. Then there are the ones completely oblivious to you coming up, and stay at 60 mph in the passing lane and force me to illegally pass them on the right, because there's no other option besides just driving like a snail on sedatives. I don't mind driving, but I hate driving under the speed limit without severe weather conditions.

Then, there's the people where I work who don't know how to park. It's ridiculous! So many enormous cars just far enough into the parking space next to them as to make that space completely unusable. Snow is not an excuse unless said snow is over the markings and you can't see them. My walk to the front door, in subzero temperatures, is rendered three or four car-ends longer simply by their inability to utilize clearly marked spaces.

And to the lady who blocked my view in an intersection, then made angry faces at me for not moving so she could complete her awkward turn without scraping the front of my car when I couldn't see past her to move safely, I called you a bitchface. I know you didn't hear it, and you are also an old lady and that's the worse thing I've ever called an old lady, but it's what you are. You could have gotten someone killed and I can't afford to pay my $500 deductible right now.

Also, to every person who refuses to let the people on the ramps merge onto the highway despite the passing lane being clear: KNOCK IT OFF. Seriously, making someone come to a dead stop on the ramp because you wouldn't move over is just douchey.

Oh Gosh Hi Everyone

2011-02-09T17:52:00.003-05:00

So, yes, I'm back. I know, I have been gone for months. I'm sorry, I have an avoidant/antisocial personality and thus ignore things I shouldn't.

You see, I got sick. I was sick for something like three weeks, with a week break followed by more sick. And when I'm sick, I pretty much shut down. I turned off my messengers and never went on Twitter, so I'm pretty sure a lot of people thought I was dead. To those people, I'm sorry.

Then I came back in January and it was a massive ego boost to see I had actually been missed, not enough to send out a search party, but enough that purely internet friends had been going "wtf? Where's Bell?????" with enough question marks to choke a horse. I'm not saying that I will go AWOL more often because of it, but it's definitely a warm, fuzzy sensation deep within the bowels of my heart to know I am loved by internet strangers and friends.

But I'm back, with more stress and anxiety than ever because a billion snow days literally suck the hours from my work week and leave me skating on thin ice. Add in depression piling on from getting so many form letters from jobs that I meet the requirements for, but are passed up for whatever unstated reason, and I'm not sleeping too hot. Or, I am, because another reason for not being able to sleep is that I am getting really weirdly warm at night, even though I am freezing for the rest of the day.

So that's what you have to look forward to again. Stress, anxiety, and random observations with shallow attempts at being witty.

I know you missed it.

Hahaha

2010-11-29T00:09:00.001-05:00

Oops. I failed NaBloPoMo!

XD

Oh well. It was kind of getting forced and horrible at the end, you know? Like I was scrounging for stuff to talk about. Here's to next year, then. No hard feelings, eh, NaBloPoMo10?

They're All Grown Up

2010-11-27T23:11:00.003-05:00

Well, it's done. The male babies have been separated from their mother into their own cage to prevent incestuous loving going on between them and their sisters at five weeks. They're in the smaller cage for now, though I worry about that. When they're all bigger, these cages won't hold them.

At the moment, a therapist I work with says he can place something like 4-7 in homes, including Kit, who is a biter. Apparently one of his relatives is an animal behaviorist and she enjoys a challenge. I feel bad, but to me this is better than simply taking her back to the pet store where she'll be eaten by a snake, or to the shelter where no one will have time for her or want to adopt a biter.

They're starting to get personalities a little bit. My favorite is a hooded boy. I might be reading a little too into it, but he'd rather be in my shirt (a convenient way to carry rats, by the way) than explore other areas. He's just very into being held and petted, so long as he is warm and can doze.

I don't have names for them all yet, especially as I don't know which ones will be staying or going. I'm already very attached; I don't want to convince myself that keeping them all is a good idea. 11 rats eat a decent amount, you know.

Late Again

2010-11-26T23:42:00.003-05:00

I get kind of addicted to new things. I am super into them when I first get them and then the interest levels out after some intense moments. That's how I was with my rats; everything was about them, for them, omigoshcuddlesandlookithowcutethisoneis. Especially as they kept things interesting by changing and getting fur and opening eyes and developing personalities...so on.

And now, I treat them as part of my daily life. My daily life that is getting its cage cleaned tomorrow. But nevertheless, they are something to love and play with but not something to obsess over completely.

Nope, I have a new obsession. See, my friend @Naithin on Twitter is an incredible sweetheart, and he gave me Dragon Age Ultimate pack or something, whatever it is (group of computer games). So I've been playing that for hours! It's like a dating sim where you get to go kill darkspawn between hanging out at camp and wondering when the cute dorky paladin boy is going to invite your tomboyishly awesome female dwarf back to the tent for a tumble.

This is like all my candy being made into a super candy.

So, that's what I'll be doing for um...quite some time.

Speaking of, I have to go. I just rescued the magi and now I have to go meet the man-whore assassin elf.

Ahhh

2010-11-25T23:47:00.002-05:00

I know some people think NaBloPoMo is silly and worthless and etc. on and on.

But the thing is, I made this goal for myself, and I want to complete it. So, here I am, at 11:48 PM, figuring out what to write about.

So I'll tell you about Thanksgiving, and specifically the end.

The Pumpkin bread turned out great, and I stuffed myself on potatoes and green bean casserole (which also turned out great). And so here I am, chatting on the phone with my boyfriend, chewing celery and cream cheese, when a problem occurs. A bit of celery gets caught in my throat where it's not going down but I can't get it back up. Not choking, still able to breathe, but it just feels awkward.

So I start cough-gagging and hacking and tell my boyfriend "Hold on." Just in time to cough mightily and puke into my mouth.

Happy Thanksgiving, me!

Oh God I Inhaled Pumpkin Dust

2010-11-24T19:35:00.003-05:00

Actually it was probably random spices and flour.

So yeah I have the first two loaves of pumpkin bread from a box in the oven. And I have inhaled both pumpkin dust and spray Pam. I am obviously the most graceful person in the world in the kitchen and never a clumsy fool. That would be ridiculous.

Anyway, so I always make modifications to my box mixes because I dislike putting water in recipes for whatever reason. Usually, I substitute milk for the water and, if it's brownies, add some other sweet things (sometimes cocoa powder, sometimes syrup, sometimes vanilla...you get the idea). So, with this mix, I decided to add, without checking the possible outcomes, a mix of eggnog, milk and Woodchuck's 802 hard cider to the recipe.

We'll see how that turns out (I hope well).

I'm still trying to decide if I make the green bean casserole now or right before I go to my mother's at 11am. Then there's the fact that my stepfather has, out of nowhere, demanded that I make my potatoes that I made the last time I was at his house. These potatoes consisted of sliced red potatoes, onions, garlic, butter, olive oil, season salt and white pepper. In a frying pan.

So, hey, apparently I'm decent at cooking after all. I say as I jinx my still-baking bread and my yet to be completed casserole and potatoes.

National Opt Out Day

2010-11-23T16:03:00.002-05:00

Tomorrow, on the busiest day of the year for flying, people have decided to make a statement. This statement will be against the TSA's new full body scanners and invasive pat down. The plan is for as many people flying as possible to choose to "opt out" of the full body scanners, requiring them to go through the pat down, which is extremely time-intensive and some have claimed to be akin to rape. The goal is to muck up the airport so badly by taking so much time that the TSA will have to reconsider their policies.

I'm going to say right now, this is utter bullshit.

This misplaced protest is perhaps the most asinine method I can think of to combat these policies. How is it helping your cause to prevent innocent bystanders from getting home for Thanksgiving, because you keep them from getting through the line? How is it productive to be a jerk to an airport employee who is just trying to follow the guidelines set before them in order to keep their jobs? It is difficult to find a job in the US right now; how desperate do you have to be to take a job where you know you'll be compared to rapists, perverts and molesters because you've been given certain guidelines to follow or you'll be fired?

It makes me so angry to think of these people who work in the airport who have to put up with so many hateful things just to get through a single workday. And now people think that harassing these employees, as well as their fellow travelers, will somehow make a difference. Instead of, you know, targeting the people who made the regulations and requirements and poor training that didn't properly cover extenuating circumstances such as prosthetics. It's a hateful, immature protest and I sincerely hope no one I know participates.

Even if you think the TSA's measures are extreme, I would ask you please reconsider your choice to bog down the line on the day before Thanksgiving for the sole purpose of "making a point." Instead, try going through more positive channels; draft petitions, call your senators, create bills, campaign, without attacking the middle man.

Thanksgiving Prep!

2010-11-22T18:36:00.005-05:00

So, this year, I get to be an active part of the Thanksgiving Meal process!

I have been assigned two things: pumpkin bread and green bean casserole.

Now, the pumpkin bread is easy. My mom gave me a box mix and the pans and said "make this." Those of you who scoff and are all upons about making this stuff from scratch can keep it to yourself because at this point in my life (and likely for the rest of it) I will be forever more concerned with what helps me stay lazy and what is easy and still delicious.

Hell, people can't even tell my brownies aren't from scratch unless someone rats me out, so nyah.

Anyway, the other thing I have to make, the grean bean casserole, I am both terrified of and excited for. Terrified because I am not the best cook and excited because I love green bean casserole! So I am going to have to be very careful to do this right because, geez, this is the one thing I stuff my face with at Thanksgiving, seeing as how it's meatless. This, mashed potatoes, corn and rolls, because I'm a shameful person who cannot stand sweet potatoes.

That's right. I hate your potatoes of sweet.

Sunday Comics: When Babies Attack

2010-11-21T12:04:00.003-05:00

Sorry about the poor quality; my tablet's been acting funky recently and I'm not sure why. This is basically what happens whenever one of my adult rats has a treat; baby mob. Make sure you click it to make it larger.

I'm Bawling My Eyes Out

2010-11-20T11:07:00.004-05:00

So, yesterday was a long, bad-to-mediocre day, and I'm feeling severely beat up and exhausted. Yet, as is my habit for weekends, I stay up supremely late in the vaguest of hopes that my inner clock won't wake me up at 7 or 8 am on the weekend (this is never the case). So at 1am when my father calls from Germany, I'm perfectly awake.

After assuring him that apologies aren't necessary and 1am phone calls are normal for me, he starts talking about going on Priceline for plane tickets. I'm going to see my brother in Arizona for New Years, as I haven't seen him in almost a year and a half now, and so naturally I assumed this was just confirming those plans.

Until he talked about arrivals in Dallas, Texas and my attention was immediately focused. That airport being, of course, the major one closest to Jordan. He said he could send me there the day after Christmas, and I would then leave on the 29th to go to Arizona.

Three days, give or take a few hours. Three days with my boyfriend who, by then, I will have gone nearly an entire year without.

You wouldn't think it would be enough, and it won't be. But since I've been under the impression I couldn't afford a ticket until sometime next year...

Well, I can't stop crying, I'm so happy. I am just a quivering gooey lump of relief.

There's planning to do, of course. I have pets that will need watching, finances to prepare, and other mundane things to do. But, for now...I'm just happy to be happy.

A Letter to My Client

2010-11-19T14:50:00.004-05:00

Dear child number one,

I know life is very difficult for you right now. I understand there are some changes in your home; that mom was taken away by the police, that there's a new lady who comes and takes care of you three hours a day while dad is working. I know it's difficult for you to cope, not only because change is scary and hard and you're only six years old, but also because you have Downs Syndrome and you can't even tell people why you're upset or what's wrong. Words are just so hard for you to get out.

That's why you've been hitting me, and kicking me, and pulling my hair, and pinching me with your long fingernails until you cut into my skin. That's why we can be playing ball, having a good time, and suddenly you'll start banging your fists against my leg or trying to bite me. How a comforting hug will suddenly turn into a full on tackle, or how you'll try to headbutt anyone at a convenient height.

I know it's frustrating; it's hard for me, too. I only see you for three hours a day, and in that time I just want to help you. Often that means making you do things you don't want to do, like asking for toys or following your schedule, or even making you wear socks and shoes. I'm the "bad guy," the one who makes you stay out of the swing area so you don't get hit when all you really want is to push the other kid out of the swing so your turn comes faster. I'm sorry that it upsets you.

Sometimes I get angry, because when you hit me, it hurts. You're only six years old, but you're strong and solid and fast, and I can't always get out of the way. I try not to let it show. I never yell at you. I tell you that you have to stop, that you have to use "nice hands" and be gentle with me. Sometimes you listen, sometimes you don't.

I know it's my job to help you for three hours every day. I know I'm not a volunteer, that I do this so I can eat and pay my bills. But I do care about you, and I want you to be happy. When you come to me, specifically, for a long, slobber-filled, messy hug, I'll never push you away, even if it means I walk around for the rest of the work day with pretzel-saliva mushed into my shirt. I can deal with that, if it helps.

So, please, I know life at home is hard and sometimes there's nothing you can do but vent, but try to be a little gentler with me. I'm very sore right now.

Love,
Bell

Not Quite Sick Enough

2010-11-18T18:04:00.001-05:00

I'm at that weird limbo where I'm not quite sick enough to miss work (though I took off two hours today to come home and sleep), but sick enough that work is an absolute misery.

Thing is, I can't afford to miss work. I can make up one of the hours tomorrow that I missed today, but not both because it's too late in the week. If there are snow days, if one of my kids is absent, or if there's some other catastrophe, I'll be skating on thin ice as far as money goes.

God I need a new job.

AND TO NOT BE SICK. /flop

Time to Break Out the Crayons

2010-11-17T17:45:00.003-05:00

NaNoWriMo, 2010. I was so going to do this. I was all upons and had ideas and I joined a forum and I was just gung-ho about it.

Then November rolled around and I decided I didn't have the time or energy. Writing, for me, is often exhaustive when I'm trying to make a story. I skip around to parts, go off on silly tangents, and occasionally start writing smut for characters who aren't even in the book because, hey, who doesn't love smut? And then it's just all this big huge mess, with some of it on the computer and the other parts on paper and me just not feeling like copying it over and excuse excuse excuse excuse.

But there is something I want to do, which I think is probably even harder to get published than a novel; I want to write a children's story. Write and illustrate, with crayon drawings.

When you think about it, children's stories are really simple in construction. They have basic story lines, are only a few pages long, and really rely on pictures for half of their attractive factor. A lot of authors don't even do their own illustrations. Can you imagine how difficult it is to get stories that teach the same old morals over and over reprinted in a "new, exciting" way?

It kind of makes me leery, but I want to do this, I think. And I want to use Rwar, done in crayon. And though I will be writing a script for it, I don't want there to be any words. I want it to really be a picture book. And I want it to teach an important message.

So, I'm pulling out my crayons and practicing with them, and hopefully I can get some character designs up for everyone to giggle and point at. But I'm actually pretty excited about this, and I hope I don't lose the fervor.

I Caught a Shrew

2010-11-16T16:05:00.003-05:00

If you don't know what a shrew is, behold! From wikipedia:

That's a shrew. You know where it was? In my room.

It's pretty weird. Shrews, despite being rodents, are not house pests. They're mostly blind, and not nearly destructive enough. This thing somehow got into my room and couldn't get out (my housemate and I think perhaps when the garage door was open it just migrated towards the warm house). I thought it was a mouse at first, until I lifted up a couch cushion and saw, clearly, I was wrong. It just 'looked' at me, and I say this in that it had no panic reaction to the cushion being lifted up and an enormous predator (lawlz, i r predatur) looming above it. Just a casual sniff and toddling off on its way.

So I got this live-capture trap and set it up with some peanut butter, then I went to work. And when I got back, ta da! Trap was shut. Curious to make sure it was a shrew, and not some new mysterious animal, I put it in a box before letting it go in a field.

Those humane traps have one downside; they induce panic on their captives. Captives whom have just eaten a stomach full of peanut butter.

Needless to say, the trap required cleaning. Gross.

Better than the alternative, though. If Kit had found it on one of her escapades, she would have killed and eaten it, and then I would find rotted shrew carcass later. Gross-gross-ew.

Working Rant

2010-11-15T17:58:00.003-05:00

Today started out okay and then later I learned that it did not, I was just oblivious to behind-the-scenes bad day.

Let me explain.

Currently, I work as TSS, or Therapeutic Staff Support. This means I'm assigned a therapy plan, I read it, then I implement it, working with children who have mental, behavioral or developmental disabilities. Currently I work with two children: one with severe Downs Syndrome, and another who just has aggressive and compliance issues (he hurts other children and has difficulty following direction) as well as some attention deficits.

The child with Downs is in a small class, and the teachers in there treat me like an aide. Which is incorrect. Fact of the matter is, an aide can do a lot more things with the child than I can (or want to), and can take more physical liberties than I can (or want to). As a TSS, I'm not supposed to wash dishes or clean toys or wipe his nose; I'm supposed to focus on the therapy. Assist the teacher and aides, reinforce what they should be doing, whatever's in the therapy plan (which I can't discuss 'cause, you know, privacy acts).

The thing is, when I'm not there, the teacher and aides just let the kid run wild. He does what he wants when he wants unless it disrupts other activities, and there's no structure. Then in I come and I have to impose structure and order on this child, be the bad guy and tell him what he can and can't do, make him go to the table and to social things (which he hates), make him try to say words to get the ball and play...so on. And when me, the speech therapist and a lady in charge of their experimental new program together cannot get him to stay at one of the social events, suddenly it's my fault for not blocking him?

And they bitch to my coworker about me, like why can't I do this or that or whatever. WTF? Why can't they talk to me about it, so I can explain? That's all it would really be. Except, hey, apparently these teacher/aides have tried to play TSS workers against each other, like silly high school girls who get their kicks out of creating malicious drama. Just, seriously? What the hell, you're all older than me, knock it off.

My other teacher is great. She's helpful and polite and just awesome, and I'm so glad for her to go to afterwards, because the first school is just uncomfortable. I never quite got why I was so weird in that room, but apparently I could feel their disapproval.

If it doesn't get better, as much as it pains me to leave my kid to the wolves...for my own stress levels (which are hurting my back at the moment), I'll need to get a new client. Or a new job (sending out resumes as we speak, 'cause I need more hours, dammit).

Sunday Comics: Rwar and the Ketins

2010-11-14T15:05:00.002-05:00

I've had this posted on devART for a while, but I think I would like to share it. It's Rwar, my little mascot, and some ketins. The following sign in the comic is a real sign hanging outside a home on the way to where I went to university.

Hope you enjoy! Click it to make it bigger if you feel you would prefer.

Happy Birthday, Little Brother!

2010-11-13T12:58:00.003-05:00

He's 19 years old today, guys!

No real post today besides this; once I'm off the phone with my father in Germany, I'm going to my mom's for his birthday stuff.

@#$% Yeah, Friday!

2010-11-12T16:37:00.003-05:00

I'm so stressed out my shoulders are tense right into my neck. I've had to change out of spit-encrusted clothes thanks to work, and I'm pretty tired.

But, I finally found a variety pack of Woodchuck, so I have new alcohol to try tonight. I'm going to give myself a break from rat-scapades and only take the babies out for some cuddles and socialization instead of risking another adventure like Kit went on the day before. I'm throwing on my "don't-give-a-damn" clothes, gonna make a microwave dinner, and nap when I feel like it, even if it means I'm going to stay up til 3am, 'cause tomorrow the only place I gotta be is at my little brother's 19th birthday.

So hellz yeah, Friday, only way you could be better is if Jordan was here for a back and shoulder rub followed by sexy times followed by shower followed by intensive cuddling.

Oh and if I won the lottery.

Bang Head Here

2010-11-11T21:35:00.003-05:00

Oh, hi.

So, there's a rat who's been AWOL in my room since this morning. I've currently got a live-capture trap sitting in my room, loaded with peanut butter, in the vain hope I won't wake up with rat bites all over my face. It's not a comfortable feeling.

My kids are acting up at work to the point where they're mouthing off to everyone, teachers, therapists, their friendly neighborhood therapeutic staff support (hi, that's me). Grabbing kids by their faces and headbutting them and then saying wtfbbq Ms. Danielle, it was an accident, yumadbro? It's like the progress notes get longer and longer to write every week.

Still no callbacks for a second job. Wishing I had connections or something in order to find a new job, 'cause I'm not that super marketable that I can just ditch this shitty 25 hour at best job for something that will pay enough for me to live on and save money.

Of course, if my asshole rats hadn't popped out 9 surprises and been scarring up my hands, I could feel a little better about the money I'm throwing at them. Fact is I'm lonely and I wanted something to play with. Instead I got a headache and a money drain that I'm too sentimental to feed to snakes.

Sigh.

FFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-

I Need the Goddamn Batman

2010-11-10T18:03:00.003-05:00

Because I work with so many two-faces.

I guess it might be just me, but I'm really uncomfortable talking bad about coworkers/superiors with other coworkers/superiors. I'm all right with playing nice and then relaying my frustrations out to family or friends, but something really rankles me when people just bad mouth other employees to other employees without having legitimate work-related concerns.

You know, I'm just talking about workplace gossip or useless bad-mouthing. Talking about how so and so is an airhead to whatshisface, and then turning around to tell so and so how whatshisface shouldn't even have a job. It just seems unprofessional to me, especially when it's on work property and on work time.

Besides the fact that it makes me feel bad to dislike people without good reason, it makes me uncomfortable on an even more personal level. Sure these people are being nice to my face, but what are they saying behind my back? Do they think I'm annoying? Stupid? Lazy?

I know it's not good to dwell too much on other people and how they act, but on the same token it's just awkward to think these people can gossip so badly about one person, then turn around and gossip about others with that person like nothing is amiss.

Which is also why I'll mostly refrain from bringing up specifics about people I work with here. Even in an industry with such a high turn-over as mine, I'm not really keen on getting fired because someone found my facebook and followed it to my blog and then found that one article. I may be having some issues making ends meet and I might be stressed, but that would only be worse if I became unemployed.

Nasty Inside

2010-11-09T11:00:00.002-05:00

I have a problem with dislike.

I can't say I have a problem with "hate." There are very few people I've been able to simply wish were dead or similarly inconvenienced. There are people I just (ir)rationally don't like and no matter what I do, I can't seem to shake it.

We could go over it individually, but that would be a weird rap sheet and one or two may read this and then there might be a shitstorm, and if there's one thing I do not do well, it's drama. No matter how justified my irritation or anger, someone can always make me feel like the prick in the situation, and honestly, with some of these truly being irrational, it might not be too far from the truth.

And it's weird who I pick, too. Like a girl who I've known for years, who betrayed my trust in high school til I felt super uncomfortable with, is now one of my easy-going, hey-what's-new, how's-life friendships. Like I got over it, it was stupid high school stuff, I'm past it and we can move on now that we're older and smarter. Yet, there's other people who claimed to be my best friends, and who slowly bled me out of their lives until I only exist in conjunction with others. I can't stand them, I can't stand to know that all of our "we'll totally have to see each other!" things were insincere. And worse is, I don't know how much is my fault. How can you really dislike someone for abandoning you if you didn't try as well?

And then there's Jordan. No, I do not irrationally dislike Jordan; that would be a weird, stupid-movie-plot reason for a relationship. No, the problem is I get jealous. Which would be normal, I think, except who I get jealous of is really weird. Girls (and some guys) hit on him all the time. They flirt, they try to slip him their number, they even molest him on accident. And yet only certain stories will bother me.

Besides the obvious exes being brought up and chicks with history and motive. Jordan isn't fond of my ex either, and I've finally decided to stop defending what I thought was a nice guy but was honestly just a passive-aggressive boy-child but that is a story for another day.

I honestly dislike this part of me that's very...catty. Sometimes for no reason. It just makes me feel like being nice on the surface is almost a lie. But then I realize that being a jerk makes me feel like shit, so I'm feeling like I'm going in circles...I'm privately an asshole but I don't have the balls to say what I think in public? Or perhaps I am nice because I can't say petty things without provocation, even if I feel them.

I mean, a healthy ability to dislike can be good. It took me over a year to realize my ex was actually controlling, passive-aggressive, had anger issues and really didn't treat me well because, well, I didn't want to be one of those girls who bashed on their ex. Even as I'm writing this I'm feeling bad, like he'll read this and his feelings will be hurt. It's not like I was a saint in that relationship, either.

But that is a story for another day.

I guess where I'm going with this is not only do I want to be seen as a nice person, I actually want to be one. I don't want to be one of those people who gets all shallow and insulting, even in my own mind, when someone I dislike does something completely innocuous that doesn't even concern me. Besides being petty, it's probably a huge waste of energy on people who don't really deserve it, whether that's because my dislike is irrational and there's no reason I should be petty towards them, or my dislike is rational and they really shouldn't bear thinking about.

I guess I just dislike dislike.

And Then I Stopped Caring

2010-11-08T11:00:00.006-05:00

I can have a lot of thoughts in a second. This is a totally unwanted knee-jerk reflex I cannot control, and it never works in my favor on things like, say, school work or coming up with kick-ass comebacks. I seriously do have great explanations and comebacks a few hours later, can you come back then so we can try it again? I swear, I'm cool.

Anyway, so, I'm talking to my friend and she mentions she'll be gone for the weekend. Insert obligatory facetious over-reaction here about missing her, followed up by the obvious question, "Where are you going?" Because, seriously, who doesn't want to be plugged into the internet all weekend talking to me?

Her answer? LARPing.

For those of you who don't know what LARPing is, it's Live Action Role Play. Basically, you dress up as something you're not with a whole bunch of other people doing the same, and then you pretend you're the thing you dressed up as. It's like improv theater meets geeky wish fulfillment. "Re-enactments" are historical LARPs, by the way.

Anyway, the thing about LARPing is, it's totally socially ridiculed. Even a lot of major geeks think LARPing is just ridiculously embarrassing, especially if you're throwing tinfoil balls saying "Lightning bolt, lightning bolt, lightning bolt." You just can't even make that sound cool, can you?

This is how embarrassing it can be:

All of this flashed through my mind when I saw those words in my chat screen, followed by the sudden "I really want to try this." This sentiment was quickly thrown into a choke-hold by my two favorite thought friends, "Oh geez what will ____ think about me then?" and "I will be so embarrassed and awkward and shy."

And then, as if a light from the heavens shone down upon me, I suddenly decided "Fuck that, it sounds fun." and I promptly decided to ask her if I could come along next time. Screw my insecurities about what my boyfriend or family or friends would think, or if they tease me about it. Ignore my fears of social awkwardness.

It sounds fun. I want to try it.

I feel like this is a big step for me. Weird, huh, how wanting to LARP could constitute a "big step." Like suddenly I'm a grown up because I wanna dress like a wizard and rain imaginary fire down on people. But, seriously, it's a big deal for me to pursue what I want, even in silly things, without deciding I can't because what will the Jones next door think?

Who cares, I'll pelt them with tinfoil lightning bolts for +5 electrical damage. That'll show 'em.

It's not really the LARPing itself, though, or my decision to go that's the big step. I think it's a lot of things, like how I'm not going to grad school yet despite constant pushing from my father, how I chose where I was going to live even though my mom and boyfriend thought some other place was better, how I'm doing just more of what I want, despite what others are saying. I mean, I still call Jordan every time I need to make a decision because I'm insecure, but it turns out that he won't leave me just because I disagree with him! I know, I was surprised, too.*

He will tease me, though. Mercilessly.

*Please note, I did know that my boyfriend won't abandon me for not being a consummate yes-woman. It's a joke.

Sunday Comics: Rats!

2010-11-07T11:00:00.000-05:00

You have to click it to make it the correct size, sorry!

The bonus movie is found here.

Unpaid Product Placement because I LOVE THESE PRODUCTS

2010-11-06T11:00:00.001-04:00

Okay, so fall/winter are my favorite seasons. Why?

Food.

In specific, two items, only seasonally available:

First, the pumpkin spice latte from Starbucks (yes, I stole this photo from their website, but seriously, free advertising and I'm linking back). I have one as a special treat for myself 1-2 times a week because omigosh pumpkiiiiin. Sometimes with a pumpkin cream cheese muffin if I'm feeling indulgent, but these lattes, they just make me happy.

My friend Laz works in a Starbucks, and he dislikes them. He said something like "Who wants a savory latte? Except for, like, everyone." Because, it's true, the latte is savory. It just feels like hugs in my mouth and down my throat. Warm, pumpkiny hugs of spice and deliciousness. If I didn't just have one I would be going to get one now because, seriously, who doesn't love mouth hugs of tastiness?

Unfortunately, I can only ever get a tall because, well, I am super caffeine sensitive and more than that will give me hyper jitters and possibly an achey chest. Which sucks, because I finish a tall in like, ten minutes. Ten minutes of awesome, but ten minutes nonetheless.

Also, Starbucks keeps their pumpkin spice latte around way longer than Dunkin Donuts, which I think has replaced theirs already with gingerbread. Starbucks has gingerbread, but pumpkin spice still exists! Sorry, Dunkin Donuts. I don't want no stinkin' gingerbread.

Next is the creamy tomato soup from Panera, which I have no picture of because they don't have any pictures of it on their website for me to steal. Granted, it is just a bowl of lumpy red soup, but it is a delicious bowl of lumpy red soup.

You can taste the cream in it. If that wasn't enough, it's seasoned just right, has just the right amount of tomato chunks and, get this, it comes with special croutons. Not boring croutons. Asiago cheese bread croutons, so you can get a similar feel to dunking your grilled cheese sammich into the soup. It is just so delicious.

For those of you who don't have Paneras out where you live, I'm sorry. Like, really sorry. It is one of the best places ever and so delicious and awesome I ate there like once a week over the summer 'cause my mom was buying.

Yes.

It's that good.

Anyway, both of these things? Only available during fall and winter. Once spring rolls around they go the way of the dodo and I am sad. Sad.

Keeping My Mouth Shut

2010-11-05T18:16:00.004-04:00

Sometimes, it's just a douche move to be a know-it-all or a combatant. I've been discovering this more and more, especially on the internet. Where I used to be like "oh hai i shall nao try 2 gief j00 argumints" now I'm all "Well, I disagree, but...this isn't even close to a big enough deal to care" or "I know they're wrong, but it's such a trivial little thing, it's really not a big deal to correct them."

It's like when my housemate talks to me about the bison/buffalo meat she buys, saying it makes her feel better about buying it because they're not farmed like cows, and the animals have more of a chance. Like, I guess, all the buffalo meat in stores is hunted for, I suppose? Except, I've been to bison farms. I have seen them. They are not too different from cow farms, though some are more free range.

I could have said this. I almost did. But I stopped myself. What would be the point? To make her feel bad? To try and convince her not to buy it? Seriously, there wouldn't be any real gain from it. Unless she's going out to hunt meat herself (not very practical), she's limited on option of where her meat comes from. Where's the harm in letting her believe bison meat is somewhat more 'humane' than cow, if she enjoys it?

I guess I just don't see it as constructive conversation anymore. If someone's slightly flawed knowledge doesn't hurt them or others in any way, where's the harm in letting it go?

This was kind-of peripherally inspired by this post by TJ. It's those kind of useless comments I'm trying to avoid. Those and the ones where people challenge your point of view on something personal by offering "exceptions" or "maybes" or "yeah buts."

Maybe it just makes you a bit of a douche to nit-pick correct and it's really not that big a deal if someone says something "wrong" but harmless, or even just has a different opinion. Maybe.

On the Drive Home

2010-11-04T20:20:00.002-04:00

I think a lot about stuff to write on the drive home. Yet, when I get home, I'm kind of tired. Like, today, I came home, checked my messages, cleaned the rat cage, shoved food in my mouth, went to Lowe's, sat down, and now I'm writing a blog post for the internets and I'm just...wow, where did all my profound thoughts go?

The worst part is, I usually have them while driving, so I can't exactly make a note of it. Unless someone wants to get me one of those cool old school recorder machines, but even then that seems like a driving hazard. Also it would probably be full of me singing and changing the radio station and CD constantly because I can't just listen to this song what if another station is playing something better aughalkfliwurbv.

I'm pretty sure some of my awesome thoughts of magnificence will leak out of my brain through my fingers to dribble onto this digital page (hi scarring brain images), but for right now I just kind of have a headache and chirping rat babies. I had the headache before they were chirping, so they are not the cause of the headache. Likely, it is my screwed up sleep cycle.

Tomorrow is Friday. Five hours of work, applying for another job, some time with the ratses, and then possibly a nap followed by caffeine to work on 'projects' into the night. I have a lot of projects. Only some of them actually involve stuff for me. I need to be more selfish with my time...

Anyway, NaBloPoMo is still going strong, even if I did look at my clock and go "OSHI-I HAVE TO WRITE SOMETHING OR I FAILZ." And then I failed anyway. Woo!

Exhaustion

2010-11-03T15:39:00.003-04:00

I don't even know what to do with myself, I'm so tired. I've started a million projects, none of which I actually get paid for (and one, the baby rats, is costing me money), and I don't sleep enough.

If I could maybe get tired at a decent time, that would help. 6 or 8pm is not a decent time. If I go to bed then, I will wake up at 2. One AM is not a decent time either. That is about 5 hours of sleep, maybe.

Add in running around, getting bit and nearly bit by rats and small children with mental disorders, money drains and, as I said, projects, I just...I think I'm going to bed early tonight.

Really. Freaking. Early.

Babies, Day 2

2010-11-02T15:40:00.005-04:00

No, I was not pregnant and you didn't know. I did not give birth to nine babies. That would be Lou. Lou gave birth to nine babies.

Who is Lou?

Sorry about the poor picture quality, but rats aren't fond of bright light.

Anyway, yeah. I went to the pet store and bought two pet rats! Why rats, Bell? Well, I will tell you!

I wanted a pet that I could actually do things with, and at this point in time I can't afford nor do I have the time for a dog. Dogs are my favorite, and I would love one. But at the moment, no go.

So then I thought "Ferrets!" Except then I did my research and I found out ferrets are super high maintenance and very expensive. Who would've thunk it, right? You have to clip their nails once or twice a week, clean their ears, buy expensive stuff to make their droppings not reek...and then the ferret itself will always be $100-150 unless you can find a rescue ferret nearby. So, that was a bad deal.

But rats! Fancy rats, or pet rats, are clean, they don't smell, their cages won't smell so long as you clean them once a week, and you just need to play with them once a day. Plus they're smart, and friendly, and they can be taught tricks! What's not to like?

So I went to this non-chain pet store and bought two little girls, Lou and Kit. This is their ride in the car:

Tucked in all snug and happy, right?

Anyway, my two girls have been with me for a week and two days and then one morning, I wake up to the sound of chirping. My first thought was, "How did birds get in my room?" And then I wandered over to the cage and that reaction evolved into "...shit." Because there in the cage, looking like gummy candy, were wobbly, blind, hairless, cheeping little rat babies (called "kittens"). Nine, to be exact.

Aw, lookit their ickle milk tummies!

Now, I know my two girls are, in fact, girls. With rats, it's pretty easy to figure out. Rat balls are so big they look uncomfortable. So Lou got preggers in this pet store and now I have nine bouncing baby ratlings. I'm sure they're going to be even more freaking cute once they have their fur, but right now I'm more stressed and worried about finding homes for them and what I'll do when it's time to separate the boys from the girls. Eleven rats is way more than I bargained for, and it's kind of concerning, even with the amazing Keeva helping me to figure everything out and smacking me upside the head when I start to panic.

I think nine babies is a good reason to panic, no matter what kind of babies they are, don't you?

NaBloPoMo!

2010-11-01T09:21:00.002-04:00

Oh man, it is here, isn't it?

I know I kind of vanished in October, but that was when life hit its busiest point. I finally got two kids at work, and it started to stress me out. I'm skating by on my bills at 25 hours a week, give or take, and I'm still looking for a second job. I've been informed WalMart is hiring in their photo center, so I'm checking that after work today.

I wrote before that I'm doing NaBloPoMo and NaNoWriMo, but I don't think I have the energy for both. And, well, NaBloPoMo is much easier for me than NaNoWriMo, so I think it's going to win out again. Cop out? Maybe. I'm just so tired all the time lately, that I'm afraid it would feel more like work than I want it to. I want to get my ideas out on paper (or uh...digital files), but I already write so much every day, whether it's for paperwork, for my RP games, or for this blog (which I'm going to do again), that I feel like I need a break sometimes.

I'm not saying definitely no to NaNoWriMo, but I am saying lowest priority. Especially if I get a second job, because I need to work my buns off. Money is so tight it feels like a vise, and I'd love to loosen it a bit.

Good luck to everyone's November endeavors!

Ex-traction

2010-09-27T11:00:00.000-04:00

I have spent the last few weekends moving. Moving my mom, packing up my stuff, helping my dad, and next week I move. It's a lot of constant boxing, tossing, burning and donating my possessions, shuffling and stuffing them in my car, and making up excuses for keeping things I really shouldn't.

As I went through my room at my dad's, I found this overly large, long-sleeved t-shirt. I was going to keep it, since I always enjoy having ugly warm stuff to indulge myself in whenever it's cold and I don't have to go out. But...something was wrong with it. Where had I seen it before?

Oh, right. This was my ex's.

When Chris and I broke up, I refused to see him again. He desperately wanted to get back together and I had no interest in it. We didn't get along anymore and I didn't like him even getting close to me. Not really good relationship material, you know? But, since I didn't want to go near him, I ended up keeping some of his stuff. It got shoved waaaay way back in the back of my closet, and then I forgot about it.

I dumped the shirt in the give away pile. I haven't talked to my ex in almost two years. It wasn't an ugly in end after he took a while away from me, and he even found another girlfriend who seemed sweet the few times she talked to me on IM. But I found myself drifting away, and not minding it, and then altogether ignoring when his IMs popped up. I don't even know when they stopped, other than that it was a long time ago.

A few weeks, or maybe a month ago, his brother showed up in my feed reader on Facebook. Apparently, when I had kicked him off to distance myself, I'd forgotten about having his brother and his best friend on my account. I sat there, staring at the comment he made on his brother's status, and then clicked it over to his Facebook profile. I stayed on his profile for a while, debating over whether or not to say hello. So, finally, I did it.

And by "it," I mean I closed out of his profile and removed his brother and best friend from my friends list.

If perhaps we had been good friends before we went out there would be a reason to go back. But there was barely anything between us before we were "us." What would be the point? I don't dislike him, but I don't really like him anymore, either. All I can possibly see spawning from it is awkwardness or drama, and I have no desire for either.

I dumped the stuffed animal he got me for Valentine's Day on the give away pile, too.

November is Going to be CRAZY

2010-09-24T11:42:00.002-04:00

Why am I thinking about November already?

Well, obviously, because it's only a month away. And November is perhaps the craziest month of the year. National Blog Writing Month and National Novel Writing Month all at once, and I'm going to do them both.

So, I have a month to prepare. I have a month to create an outline for my book. A month to generate topics. A month to sketch out portraits. A month to find and get used to a second job in order to prepare myself for the craziness of two jobs and two projects along with fun-times.

I have a month before I'm quite sure I become a crazy wreck.

Well, a week and a month.

Five Years Old and Racist

2010-09-23T11:00:00.001-04:00

This is the conversation I had with a little girl at lunch while I was at work.

Little girl: (Pointing to the only black child I have seen at school to date) You see that black boy? He's not my friend.

Me: He could be, if you got to know him.

Little girl: No. I don't like black people. I only like white people.

Me: ...

I tried to talk to her about one of my best friends, who happens to be black, but she gave me this incredibly confused, blank stare. And then lunch was over.

I don't know what to say about this, really. She's five years old, and it about broke my heart to hear her say that. I later talked to her teacher, who looked shocked. She said she would attempt to integrate some diversity activities, but she also said that she wasn't sure how much she could combat it, if this is what the girl was being taught at home.

Five. Years. Old.

Delayed Gratification

2010-09-22T12:09:00.004-04:00

This is what my life seems to be about right now.

I can't see/cuddle/kiss/sex up Jordan. I can't get new tires (so I really hope I don't need them). I can't send people presents. I can't even get a $30 computer game to entertain myself with.

I can't I can't I can't I can't.

It's all about money. I guess when I was little, I assumed immediately after college I would have a job and an apartment (or house) and enough money to be comfortable (not rich). Yet here I am, working ten hours a week (it used to be 20!) looking for a part-time job so I can pay the bills and eat food after I move out of my mom and stepdad's cabin.

This sucks. So much.

I'm sitting here in the grocery store wondering if I can really afford the 12 soft taco size tortillas when bread is about the same price but has more in it, because I don't like bread but gosh do I need to eat at a low low price. My fingers are itching to play Dragon Age: Origins like all the other cool geeks. Originally I had been forced into a three week waiting period (save $10 a week). Now, it's looking like "indefinite hiatus" on that until I can ensure I have the money for rent on November 1st. It seems like a decent amount of time, but I'm only working 10 hours a week with plenty of gas mileage to worry about, car insurance to pay and, that's right, needing food.

I could really use a good soul-sucking second job right now. Even a shitty soul-sucking second job would be nice. The McDonalds is starting to look really, really promising at the moment, if I'm ever going to save up enough money to move to Texas.

I hate being a struggling grown up. I wanna fast-forward to a point where yes, I have bills and budgets to worry about, but it won't force me to choose between my delicious tortillas and your stupid white bread.

Trials and Tribulations of Moving Day

2010-09-21T11:22:00.003-04:00

The alternate title for this post would have to be "A Visit from the Thong Fairy."

So, a mere month after I get a new job up in the middle of nowhere, North East PA, my mom gets it into her mind that she's going to do the same. Her job was becoming unbearable, and they basically told her "If you don't like it, then leave."

My mom, being as badass as she is, said "Okay." She came up here and got the first job she interviewed for, despite it not actually being the job she thought it was (it was better). So, yeah. Pretty badass.

This Saturday was moving scramble day, where we kind of started clearing out the house. I had to go through a ton of stuff and throw out treasured childhood possessions, and sneak others into boxes where I would be forced to go through them later and throw out more. But at least I have them for now! Right?

The golden retrievers were immensely helpful, using their bodies to point out the exact areas where it would be easiest to trip us and make us fall. They were so good at this that we very nearly broke many things and limbs. They also were accidentally kicked and bonked often, so perhaps they should have been using proper safety equipment.

My mom ordered pizza for lunch. As my brother and stepdad were also there with us, we got four pizzas: Mediterranean veggie, cheese, pepperoni and sausage. I had to just about beg for the cheese pizza, and then my mom seems startled that I ate nearly the entire cheese pie over the course of a day. Apparently my dissatisfaction with having to pick off gross olives and huge chunks of onion still hasn't sunk in. Sadface.

I started getting twinges in my knee by the end of the day, which is weird. I have no knee problems. The only problems I ever get are in my back. So far, I'm still fine, but it does give me paranoid little "what was that about?" thoughts occasionally.

Perhaps the biggest confusion of the day revolved around thongs (hence the alternate title). I do not wear thongs. Neither does my mom, or so she says. Yet, when cleaning out my drawers, there were a zillion thongs of all different varieties and varying lace-ity. They looked completely new and unused, but...talk about weird. The fact that my room doubles as a guest bedroom makes it kind of a gross concept so I won't be thinking too in depth about it. I'll just assume there was some sort of thong fairy who popped on by, filled my drawers with 'sexy' underwear, and poofed off, assuming I would become curious and try them on.

Nice try, thong fairy, but no dice.

In the end, my mom is kind-of moved into this tiny cabin, and I cannot wait til I move out in two weeks. It is stifling when your parents can't just let go, right? Empty nest and all that...*

*My mom has always planned on living up at the cabin; it just happened sooner rather than later. My mom is not overbearing and is super excited for me to get my own place. Also she is better than your mom. Do not argue. I still want to punch the last kid who told me his mom was better, and that was in Kindergarten.

Just Not Today

2010-09-20T16:54:00.003-04:00

I'm tired. I'm cranky. I have a headache. Hours at work got cut.

That's all there is to say for today.

People are Scary

2010-09-17T10:00:00.001-04:00

I'm not quite sure what it is about them, but people frighten me enough to make me circle their street twice before parking my car (only to spend a minute or two in there forcing myself to get out of the car stupid). I get nervous in my stomach and a little shaky, and then when I meet them I start babbling. I also am awkward and clumsy and just embarrassing.

Some of the time.

I don't know what it is that makes it easier on me sometimes as opposed to others. If people are coming to see me at my "home" (i.e. one of the places I live), I'm much more relaxed. So long as I don't have to personally go anywhere to meet them, I am usually pretty calm. Probably because I feel safe and comfortable in my own environment; after all, if they turn out to be absolutely terrible I can always kick them out, right?

I actually rarely have that much of a spine, but it could happen. Maybe. If they gave me a really good reason to not simply be avoidant and passive aggressive. Yes, I'm aware that isn't healthy.

Of course, I've had problems with people coming to visit me, as well. Like when Jordan first came to see me on a plane. I'd like to think it's completely justified, but me being so absolutely cripplingly shy where it took something like three hours for us to even hold hands seems a little extreme. Or maybe not, but I shudder to think how long it would have been if he hadn't made the first move.

My shyest, most anxious moments are when I go visit other people, though. I nearly had a small panic attack going to see my friend in Philadelphia this weekend, compounded by getting lost several times and not being able to find parking. My friend teased me and eventually it got sorted, but I felt super embarrassed by how twitchy I was being.

When I'm in other people's homes, I always try to limit my interaction with their home itself as completely as possible. I ask permission to use everything except the bathroom (as I assume they would be averse to me soiling myself). Even if told to "help myself," I tend to get water from the tap rather than going into the fridge. I am hyper aware of other people's things. I've spent weeks at Jordan's house at a time, and it's only by the end that I'm actively able to feed myself without Jordan being there giving me permission for everything.

This also translates over to phone calls. I have a terrible time calling people about anything related to business. I put it off, and put it off, and put it off. I make myself anxious, and I get bad dreams (much like Swistle). And then I make the call, and it's fine. I have no idea what I'm scared of, but I continue the cycle.

Obviously it's a problem.

My shyness fluctuates over the years. As I kind of become more isolated from people, I tend to get more anxious when I meet new people. Especially if there's some importance tied to the event. I have no problem meeting people within the confines of a job, except for initial direct superiors. I worked as customer service without any anxiety for years.

So, I don't know. Most likely I do it to myself and build some things up past where they should go. I try not to, but I just do. I'm working on it, though. I've met more people this year that have given me some sort of anxiety than any other, and I've managed. So perhaps there's a little bit of hope for me yet, eh?

Just Listen

2010-09-16T10:00:00.003-04:00

Warning you now, this is going to be super ramble-y, but it does have a point.

So, I'm a total geek-nerd-dork (but obviously not a Trekkie), and as I've mentioned several times before, I play Dungeons and Dragons and I roleplay. I find it to be the most awesome fun ever, even though I suck at it. Well, I suck at combat until I've done it a few times, but I am pretty badass at making well-rounded, believable character personalities if I do say so myself.

When you can be involved in combat, and your dagger-wielding swordsage falls out of a tree because she was turned into a baby seal via baleful polymorph, and is turned back into her human self basically as she hits the ground, except now sans-clothing and no clue what happened to her...it makes for an awesome funny story.

But only for people who play D&D.

I have friends on both sides of the spectrum, who think these stories are giggle-tastic and then share their own with me about tea parties during combat or baby dragons with a three gold coin hoard, and it is hilarious. And then there are my friends who look at me like I'm possibly a few crayons shy of a full box and sort of subtly (as a brick to the face), change the topic of the conversation.

And, honestly, that's totally cool with me. It would get dreadful boring to only talk about what I'm interested in with other people. I don't think I would ever find new things to try if I did. Jordan has outright told me that he thinks roleplaying, and roleplaying games, are a waste of time, and I still love him.

I think a lot of people get stuck in niches, and not entirely because they are actively trying to exclude people. They just get really excited about a few things and love these few things, and they don't really want to hear about anyone else's "few things" if they don't match up. There's no way they can be as exciting and awesome to you as your few things, right?

I recently had to tell a friend that he needed to be interested in other people for them to be interested in him. I told him to "fake" interest if he had to. We all do it from time to time; it's not really lying, unless you over do it. It's just polite. You can't expect interests to line up all the time, and you can't expect people to never be excited about things you don't care about. If you like the person at all (or want to like them), you need to give it a shot and listen, at least.

Of course, this doesn't mean put up with ten hour conversations where you can't contribute. That's rude on its own. Strike a balance, and don't worry so much about getting it completely right. Every balance is different, and you figure out what you can live with depending on the person. I'm able to listen politely while people detail things I have no interest, idea or clue about, sometimes for hours (Jordan does this with video games I have never played). It doesn't bother me or upset me unless I'm in a mood. Meanwhile, Jordan doesn't really stick with a conversation for too long if he isn't invested in it in some way, unless I demand he pay attention and give me an opinion, at which point he will either do it or make fun of me or scoff.

This balance works for us, and other people might be reading this and find it extremely grating. But, in the end, he never outright ignores me, he never tunes me out; he just has less patience for it than I do, which I appreciate more and more (again, unless I'm in a mood). I know he is paying attention, even if he doesn't really care about the subject.

Oh, goodness, when did this become a gush fest about my super awesome sexy cuddly hilarious smart witty boyfriend? I think I had a point somewhere.

Right.

Pay attention to people, humor them, be open to their interests, give them some thought, and don't just tune them out because they don't line up with your own. And expect the same in return.

Of course, a lot of you didn't even finish reading this blog post because you saw Dungeons and Dragons talked about at the top and you decided to skip it! Though in all honesty it's not the same because blog reading takes a lot of time, so I totally forgive you.

It's What's For Breakfast

2010-09-15T10:00:00.007-04:00

Bell: go eat a bowl of dicks!

Dox: I don't want to. Dicks are gross.
Dox: You're being gross right now.

Bell: Pfft.

Dox: You are.

Bell: Eat a bowl of vaginas?

Dox: I don't have any handy unfortunately.

Bell: vagina-o's
Bell: hint: that's not milk

Dox: Hah, wow

Bell: probably good they're not o-varies

Dox: That would be unfortunate, yes.

Bell: unless you also wanted eggs with your breakfast!

Dox: /rimshot

Blog Fashion Sense

2010-09-14T10:00:00.001-04:00

While I was making this blog, I had a lot of fun playing with Blogger's new template designer. It's still limited in a lot of ways, but in a lot of others it's really ramped up the possibilities without me having to go to a third party design and screw around with code and overall just be dissatisfied with the results. Blogger's really stepped up to the plate with adding pages and designers and I am seriously glad I never left its comforting embrace for wordpress.

As I'm designing, however, I came across just...stuff. Stuff I cannot do. Stuff that just bugs me to have on my own blog, even if it doesn't necessarily on other blogs. Here. I shall share them with you.

Dark backgrounds with light text

I don't know why, but, ever since quitting my xanga phase (where I had moving backgrounds that inevitably ended up being rain or something else depressing), I haven't been able to use dark backgrounds. I tried a few times, and it just irked me. Irked me irrationally. It just doesn't give off the vibe I'm going for.

I like white backgrounds with dark text, or at least light backgrounds with dark text. Even if it's just for the posts themselves, this is important to me. It just feels cleaner, and I think I read somewhere that it's easier on the eyes. I'm not going to look it up but I'm sure I totally did.

Super busy and/or bright patterns

You guys know what my favorite color is? Rainbow. Rainbow is my favorite color, and you can't tell me it isn't a color because it is. So when I found there was a cool rainbow background image as a blog choice I was all upons that.

And then I stared at it for a few seconds and moved on.

Way too bright and way too distracting. What did I want, people to come to the blog to read or people to come and trip out on my rainbow borders? It was glaringly obnoxious and not even in the ironic way that could possibly be justified. No, it was just annoying, and the sad thing is that if it had been just a little more muted, I could have likely rationalized it.

As it is, I managed to find my current background, which is, for me personally, just the right amount of busy-ness. Interesting, but quickly ignored for the more important words I am throwing at your face.

Only one side bar.

I can't stand having to scroll alllll the waaaaay dooooooown to find anything on a sidebar, and so I was amazingly pleased to find that Blogger had removed sidebar limitations on its blogs. It was a breath of fresh air to see the various different kinds of sidebar combinations I could choose.

My only complaint is that they're a little skinny, and youtube videos won't fit in my posts. I will have to see about fixing this. But this is a minor, minor complaint and I am cool with skinny so long as they stay how they are, and that is to say keep being doubled.

Disorganization

I didn't even know that was a word, but it totally is.

My side bars have to be in a certain order. An order only I understand and it sometimes changes based upon my whims, but generally a few things need to be at the top: RSS feeds and archives. My own personal links are secondary to my blog roll, labels need to be visible, and hell yes I want you to see the cute seal and click it to go look at the rest of my crappy art.

So, if you ever see a Bell blog on a dark background with a disorganized single side bar, and distracting/moving background, I either had an aneurysm or it's an impostor! Gasp

I am Grounded, Young Lady

2010-09-13T10:00:00.001-04:00

First of all, I want everyone to head over to Band Back Together and really give it a look over. It's a wonderful group blog for those who have lost, who live in unfortunate circumstances, or are just looking for a way to move on from bad feelings and memories. It's an amazing place, and I really think everyone would do well to read a few posts there. I submitted one, about how my parents' divorce affected me and how I'm dealing with it. Now, back to these messages.

The past few weeks have been awesome, running back and forth to other people's houses and hanging out for a day or weekend, or going to my parents' and houses and dawdling around there (and doing my laundry). I've managed to meet two people in the span of a week who I've only known online for years, and each time it was an absolute blast.

But now, I'm grounding myself.

See, I live in the middle of Bumblefuck, PA (I think TJ can confirm this), and there is no one near me. The closest friend I have is about an hour or more away. I have spent so much money on gas these past three weekends, as well as parking, going out to eat, and other things (like signing a lease on a new place to live), that basically I have screwed my bank account down to levels where it should not go.

So, yes, grounding effective immediately. Sorry, everyone, but if you wanna visit me you'll have to be the one doing the driving. It's unfortunate, but I'm still looking for that second job that will allow me to work my brains out and build up my happy buffer. I need an official name for the happy buffer, because happy buffer is stupid.

Perhaps "I get to see Jordan and eventually move out to Texas" buffer would work, but that's long and annoying to say. That is the ultimate goal, so, we'll see.

But, anyway, if you wanna hang out with me you're just gonna have to drag your own butt to Bumblefuck, PA. I promise, though, that we can drink my last bottles of Woodchuck hard cider and I will cook you something and we can watch the Power Rangers Movie as it is one of my favorites.

Outside Looking In

2010-09-10T10:30:00.002-04:00

When people say they're quitting World of Warcraft, most other people tend to laugh and joke and tell them they'll be back. And often enough, that's true. They take a break and then they get the itch and they're playing again.

I never assume I won't go back. I figure I'm on an indeterminate hiatus, with the option to play again if I want to. However, unless Jordan picks it up again, I doubt it will happen.

I just don't feel any pull, any interest. I feel a lot of nostalgia; I miss my Druid, I miss my blog, I miss feeling like an important part of a team who accomplish a lot of things, sometimes things not a lot of other people have. It's not world-shattering, it's not something I got paid to do (though at some points I could have, thanks to my blog, and I chose not to), and I loved it, anyway. I loved finding out that, even if I was pretty shoddy at DPS or Tanking, I could enjoy them just as much as my oddly-intuitive ability to heal. I miss having random strangers message me and ask my advice and then later being told how well it worked and how excited they were (actually, this still happens once in a blue moon). But, at this point, I don't miss the game.

I watch people on Twitter arguing back and forth, and remember I used to do that, too. I call it arguing, not debating, because at least in a debate, you have the possibility of changing someone's mind. There's so much stress and strife over what happens to these characters that are so important to people. I understand it, I participated in it...but I don't think I want that anymore. The days of waiting for a patch to find out they took away my toys or gave me new ones I don't understand, they're over. And, honestly, I feel relieved.

I listen, patiently, helpfully, as my friends detail guild drama, explosions, people getting upset over loot or treatment, and so on. I understand this, too. People are people, and just because they are behind a computer screen doesn't mean they matter less or have no feelings that can be hurt, no expectations that can't be met. But I breathe a sigh of relief over this, too. To no longer have to worry about who is ninja quitting or giving nude pictures out for loot or schmoozing the officers or whining or not carrying their weight eases some of my stress.

I hear people talk about absolute assholes that they have to play with in order to do what they want to do, or harassment they receive that the GMs do nothing about. I remember the guy who poked and prodded and bothered me until I finally put him on ignore. So then he went through a friend's facebook, found an unflattering (and clothed) picture of me, and gave it away all over the server. He was never banned, despite being reported and despite constantly giving away other people's private information on several occasions.

It's stuff like that, I don't miss. Not in the least.

Maybe if or when I return to WoW, it will all be fresh. Most of my friends have quit or transferred off server. The server I'm on, the one I've been on since I started, is dying. Much of WoW has petered out a bit in this long wait for the expansion. Who knows?

But for now, I'm just glad to be out of it and enjoying some other things, like the RP I'm going to run, the DnD games I'm in now, my job, my search for a second job, my art, and my writing. Also, learning how to cook real food that doesn't come in a box.

Too Far Away

2010-09-09T10:00:00.003-04:00

It's been about nine months since I've seen my boyfriend.

Long distance royally sucks, but it is possible. It's been rocky as all hell, and there have been some "breaks" and one break-up, but we've managed to work it out and figure out that yes, even if we have to continue waiting, this is what we want.

It can get really hard, especially when one of us just doesn't have the time to talk, or isn't really interested in what the other person is excited about. It's easy to segue conversations or simply watch a movie together when you're right next to each other. It's harder to handle phone silence when there's no other connection.

You question things. When you can't see them even once a week, you worry someone else will catch their eye or that one of you just won't be able to handle the distance anymore. It's a legitimate fear; we did break up before. But you simply power through it and cross your fingers and trust yourself and the other person that this is worth the pain of separation.

There are rough patches. After the unfortunate accident (it turned out to be just a super bad sprain instead of an actual break, thank goodness, once he was able to get it properly examined), we went four days without talking to each other because, well, when he's bored and unable to do very much, he sleeps. And so he screwed up his sleep cycle and was awake when I was asleep and asleep while I was awake and calling him.

Talk about nerve-wracking.

And then there's wonderful nights like last night, where we talked for something of upwards of two hours, all about random silly things and we laughed and he complimented my butt and said "I love you." And that is seriously all it takes to keep me happy and blissful for days or weeks, even while the rest of the conversation was so ridiculous and, well, let's say "not politically correct," that to post it here you would likely think we were both insane and utterly reprehensible.

We are rather incorrigible.

I'm slowly accepting that, due to money situations, we may not see each other til next year. It's painful, and it's not something I want to accept. In retrospect, these nine months haven't seemed too long. But every minute now that I think about it passes like an hour. You'd believe it would be easy enough to just "not think about it, then!"

Doesn't work like that.

For now I'll just have to satisfy myself sleeping with his big fluffy sweatshirt (that has actually saved me many a cold night) and hope I can find a second job, rake in the money, and get out to see him. That's all I really want.

I am Cooking! Kind of!

2010-09-08T09:30:00.001-04:00

So, I've never been that great a cook. In fact, I've always been pretty terrible unless it comes in a box or a bag (and the bag can get sketchy fast). But since living on my own, I have decided that boxed meals pretty much suck and I have a kitchen now. So I should, you know, use it. Or attempt to in slow, simple ways. Simple ways that won't set things on fire, and hopefully taste decent, because I can't afford to waste food (and inevitably even if it sucks I'll try to choke it down just because omigod healthy food is expensive).

Unfortunately, I end up eating a lot of the same things because, well, cooking for one means a whole onion lasts multiple weeks, or until it gets mushy. And since I can't stand for food I bought to go bad, I sit there and attempt to figure out various dishes I can put onions into without feeling like I'm eating the same thing over and over.

Then there's my well-meaning but clueless parents. They stock me up on all these perishables and it's sweet and helpful and kind, but at the same time I'm chucking apples and half a watermelon into the woods for the bugs and deer because I can't get to it fast enough. I have like a whole bag of garlic when I only use one or two pieces (cloves?) a dish.

I also repeat a lot, which has only a little to do with my food choices and a lot to do with my limited skills. My mom just taught me how to saute, and so now I saute a ton of different things and throw it into pasta.

Random oshi- I forgot about the little red potatoes I hope they are still good.

Now I'm expanding my horizons even more. I'm pescatarian, meaning the only meat I eat is fish (formerly vegetarian), so I'm going to try salmon that doesn't come out of a can. And this scares me. Though I love sushi, I don't trust myself enough to know whether or not the undercooked salmon is sushi-grade. I am betting as it is frozen and from WalMart, the answer is a resounding NO.*

So, we'll see. Cross your fingers and hope I don't die of food poisoning, right? At least I've learned one helpful thing: If I buy bread, I'll never eat it. If I buy tortillas, they'll be gone in a few days. I will never buy bread again.

*I wrote this post before I cooked the salmon. When I did cook the salmon, it was amazing. In a skillet, with butter and chopped garlic, really hot so the outside was a little black and the inside was so juicy I nearly died. A little season salt and it was excellent. The garlic burnt up but I am so not complaining at all.

In Which I Talk About Homophobia and Cute Penises

2010-09-07T13:30:00.000-04:00

I don't think I've ever been truly homophobic. When I was little, I didn't know about it. Around middle school, I figured it out, and it made me a little uncomfortable. But that was because no one ever explained it to me. Homosexuality just wasn't taught in Sex Ed (though I am to understand I had a rather decently detailed one in comparison to others) and I don't think my parents ever thought to talk about it with me, either. Also, I was under the impression that, in order to have a baby, you had to be married and then you could pray to God and then the woman would get pregnant. I'm serious. I had no idea how this all worked until Sex Ed class.

So, I kind of just pushed the uncomfortable feelings away and decided that it was something gross I didn't want to do, but other people were welcome to it with no hard feelings from me. Who was I to tell them differently?

Eventually I went through high school and I got more comfortable with the idea. I had gay and bi friends, and they were just the same as everyone else. I even developed light, fleeting crushes on a few girls, and my new-found attitude allowed me to take that in stride with only fleeting moments of "what would my parents do" or "I wonder if I should tell them." But, like I said, they were fleeting, as were all my crushes during that time. Except for that one, but I cried that heartache out in a night and was fine, so I'm pretty sure that counts as "fleeting," too.

I had friends who were homophobic, though. It was weird to me, and it made me more uncomfortable to know they had a problem with gay people than others being gay ever made me uncomfortable, even when I was little and didn't understand how it was possible. But people disliking others, especially for things beyond their control, has always made me nervous and icky-feeling. Especially as I then had to watch myself around them; I couldn't even give them friendly hugs 'cause they would be awkward and suspicious about it.

Over the years I stopped trying to define myself. I wrote about it in 2007 on my first non-xanga (i.e. non-emo-high-schooler) blog. It's worked for me so far, though I've become aware I'm far more attracted to guys and find penises to be so cute (not kidding).* Definitions just make things far too complicated, so I've stopped asking. It's none of my business.

Just recently, I've been looking around for a place to live. I visited one woman's home, who is renting out rooms. She's a lovely person, very sweet, with a bunny who just had surgery and a four month old bichon-poo. In the course of our conversation, she feels she has to tell me she's dating a woman, just to make sure I'm comfortable with it. And...it makes me sad. Not only is it her home, and I would be paying her to live there, but if it was a man she was dating, she wouldn't have felt the need to ask.

I've been trying to act like homosexuality is no big deal, and doesn't even bear commenting on when it's just normal, every day things. I want my kids, if I ever have kids, to think that it's just something you can be, and there's nothing wrong or right with it; it just is and if it works for the person, that's all there is to it.

Though, in retrospect, I feel like maybe this post was counter-productive to itself because it does call attention to things and arghlkmcwugbtyvlrf wut.

*This is not an excuse to send me penis pictures. Those are creepy. I do not want to see them. I don't care how cute your penis is; unless we are dating I don't need nor want to see it. In fact, that will make your penis the ultimate in undesirable. No surprise penises.

This is What I Do

2010-09-07T00:13:00.003-04:00

So it's 12:13 AM, and I've already slept for four hours. I'm feeling sick (probably because I haven't eaten anything but a cereal bar and three cookies all day), I'm in a wonky sort of tired-but-not state, I have paperwork to finish before 7:30 am and I'm working on a brand new blog because I'm super fickle.

Welcome to Bell in real life.

I find the title amusing because, well, in real life I'm not Bell. I'm Dani. But the only blog I've ever had before that more than my friends (who actually know I'm Dani and not Bell) read has been 4Haelz, where I was Bell, in WoW-Life. Multiple kinds of Bell. And I still really like being Bell, though the areas of that moniker's use have narrowed down to just my blogs. All the forums I currently frequent, I actually use "Dani."

These are DnD/RP forums, so you realize now how odd and boring it is to use that name.

I hate starting over fresh as much as I love it, especially with a blog. It feels so empty here, with no posts, no archives, and me still screwing around with widgets and layouts and mmph. It feels like a high school kid's resume. Or my own resume before talking to my mom and her sighing and telling me just why I am doing it wrong.

But, so it goes. I'm in a transition period of my life anyway; why not start something else new? I've started working professionally, my art is progressing slowly, I'm moving out on my own, I'm having super awesome fun ideas that I don't quite know how to implement, and I'm anxiety-riddled and crazy. So, you know. Good times.

Good. Times.