Monday, May 9, 2011

Soundtrack for the DA Twitter RP

The Champions 'n' Posse
Queen - We Are the Champions
B-Real, Coolio, Method Man, LL Cool J And Busta Rhymes - Hit Em High (The Monstars' Anthem)
Muse - Uprising
Queen - We Will Rock You
Mika, RedOne - Kick Ass (We Are Young)
Fort Minor - Remember the Name

Any Strong Female Character
Endrilliance - Fight For You (Re-Remix)

All Oppressed Mages
Black Eyed Peas - Imma Be

Imogen Heap - The Walk
Beyonce - Woman Like Me
Meredith Brooks - Bitch
Natalie Portman Uncensored Rap
Pharrell Williams - Despicable Me
Daryl Hall & John Oates - Maneater
The Pussycat Dolls - I Don't Need a Man
Poets of the Fall - Don't Mess With Me

@SheyHawke and @LoghainMacTir
Annie Get Your Gun - Anything You Can Do

@SheyHawke and @Maidievh_Hawke
Poets of the Fall - Overboard

@babbyfacedhawke and @twohandedblade
Imogen Heap - The Moment I Said It
Erin McCarley - Sticky Sweet

@Nathaniel_Howe and @wardenamell
Colbie Caillat - Kiss the Girl
Tegan and Sara - You Wouldn't Like Me
Our Lady - Clumsy
Flogging Molly - Devil's Dance Floor
Everclear - Amphetamine
Coheed and Cambria - A Rush and a Push and the Land is Ours
The Mountain Goats - Autoclave

RENT - Out Tonight and Another Day

@JaqsSands and @Carver_Hawke
John Legend - P.D.A. (Don't Care)
Trapt - Echo
Leather and Lace
Michal Buble - Crazy Love

Collective Soul - Smashing Young Man
Trapt - Headstrong

Fergie - Clumsy

@apostitutanders and @Garrett_Hawke
La Roux - In For the Kill
Ludacris - What's Your Fantasy
Pitbull - I Know You Want Me (Calle Ocho)
Samwell - What What (In the Butt)
Electric Six - Gay Bar
Rascal Flatts - I Won't Let Go
Enrique Iglesias - Tonight (I'm Lovin' You)

Powderfinger - These Days
Bruno Mars - The Lazy Song
Run Kid Run - Freedom

Beyonce - Single Ladies

@MarianHawke and @SebastianVael
Pussy Cat Dolls - Buttons
Red Hot Chili Peppers - Hard to Concentrate

Emilie Autumn - Swallow
Mae - Anything
E Nomine - Espiritu Del Aire Translation
Destiny's Child - Bootylicious
Queen - Fat Bottomed Girls
Owl City - To The Sky

Kevin Rudolf - Let it Rock ft. Lil Wayne
Poets of the Fall - Fire
Sir Mix-A-Lot - Baby Got Back

@MaidievhHawke and @EnchanterOrsino
Sara Bareilles - The Light
Halou - Honeythief
Florence + the Machine - Howl
Poets of the Fall - No End No Beginning
Savage Garden - Chained to You
Marilyn Manson - The Love Song
Savage Garden - You Can Still Be Free
Lydia Denker - One Perfect Day

Jill Scott - Hate on Me
Mumford and Sons - Little Lion Man
The Fray - Fall Away

Janelle Monae - Cold War
Green Day - She's a Rebel
L7 - Shitlist

Three Days Grace - Riot
Imogen Heap - Glittering Cloud
Ensiferum - Tale of Revenge
Turisas - Fear the Fear
Powderfinger - These Days
Ke$ha - Blow
Hadouken - Bombshock

Dragonette - Take It Like a Man
Theory of a Deadman - Bad Girlfriend

Imogen Heap - Wait it Out
Mae - Reflections
Switchfoot - Dare You to Move
Bruno Mars - The Lazy Song
Evermore - Light Surrounding You
Mae - Sun (Acoustic)
Erin McCarley - Pitter Pat

@FenrisFugitive @MarianHawke @SebastianVael
Florence + the Machine - Hurricane Drunk
Spin Doctors - Two Princes

@FenrisFugitive and @MarianHawke
Evermore - Come to Nothing

Alex Lloyd - Never Meant to Fail
ABBA - Dancing Queen
Sara Bareilles - Gonna Get Over You
MIKA - Blue Eyes

ABBA - Dancing Queen

The Beatles - Misery
Trapt - Headstrong

@Alia_Hawke and @AngstyAnders
Dev - Monster
Our Lady Peace - Thief
She Wants Revenge - I Don't Wanna Fall In Love
Jawbreaker - I Love You So Much It's Killing Us Both

@KC_Meredith and @thetaxspawn
Nick Can Can Not
Always I Want to Be With You

The Rolling Stones - Sympathy for the Devil

ZZ Top - Sharp Dressed Man
Forest of Chest Hair

Rod Stewart - Da Ya Think I'm Sexy?
Gunther - Ding Ding Dong
Flight of the Conchords - Business Time
Electric Six - Danger! High Voltage
Machine Gun Fellatio - Pussy Town

Within Temptation - Ice Queen
AFI - Medicate
Eluveitie - Slania's Song

Tom Waits - Sins of My Father
Flogging Molly - Black Friday Rule

@Asef_Hawke and @KeeperMerrill
Colbie Caillat - Bubbly
Owl City - The Bird and The Worm
Poets of the Fall - Miss Impossible

Celtic Woman - The Voice
Hampton and the Hampsters - Get Happy

Pixies - Where is My Mind

The Mean Kitty Song

Napoleon XIV - They're Coming to Take Me Away
The Ramones - I Wanna Be Sedated

Come Little Children
Dissection - Black Dragon

Hellsing - The Fundamentum

Madonna - Frozen

Mannheim Steamroller - Veni, Veni, Emanuel

Monday, March 7, 2011

Your Love Sucks, A Writing Adventure! Part One

Part One: Just Because You Have a Pussy, Does Not Mean You Need to BE ONE

Warning: possible triggers for rape survivors later on. Also cursing, judgments, and political incorrectness because I can.

I've been reading a lot of amateur and fan fiction lately (and often the two overlap), and I just have to say:


I am so sick of seeing an author's only recourse to developing a relationship involving making a normally badass chick vulnerable in a contrived way that directly relates to her woman-parts. Somehow, all her clothes are gone but this really revealing number. Somehow, a normally self-aware character gets taken by surprise. Somehow, despite this woman having previously gutted a zombie/fought a dragon/beat down a thug/kicked the ass of something-or-other, she suddenly finds herself in a situation where she can't fight back and is in danger of being raped, just so she can be saved by the attractive male character and it can spur on their relationship.

It's like their creativity is so bankrupt that they can't imagine how to get two people together without a damsel-in-distress-hero-prince scenario. It makes me wonder how they develop relationships in real life. Do they walk down dark alleys in the hopes that person-they-admire will swoop in and save them from armed muggers? They can't all be that stupid, because this shit keeps getting written.

The big go-to is rape, or, to be more precise: rape-that-happened-in-the-past or rape-that-was-going-to-happen-but-they-were-saved-from and rape-that-happened-and-you-will-comfort-me-from-it. Rape is huge in the amateur writing/fanfiction world, because it makes a strong character vulnerable and gives the chance for rescuing and emotional/mental healing. It is so rarely handled well that now rape has become almost impossible to handle seriously. And rape is serious, no matter what gender/sex is involved. Using it as an instant tragedy generator is really crass if you can't pull it off.

And, really, most people can't pull it off. I don't even know if I can pull it off and have spent weeks agonizing over its application and execution, and will spend probably months continuing to agonize about it. My writing is definitely still in the amateur spectrum, and that makes me worry about this kind of thing.

Yet, when I get comments like "i have a suggestion: Why not have [main female character] face something that leaves her unconscious or in an extremely vulnerable position and have [main male character] come to the rescue?" I just can't help but laugh and then share it with everyone. Because I'm a jerk, obviously, but also because it's so ridiculous. I had to figure out how to politely say "Thanks but FUCK NO" to the commenter, and then sit back and wonder if it's something I did wrong. Did I not make it clear that they are uncomfortable strangers? Did it seem like my female character would do anything more than thank the male character for doing his job?

For background, male character is a warrior, and so is female character. If one is hurt, the other is supposed to help the other. It'd be like falling in love with the mailman for bringing you the mail. How romantic, he did what he was supposed to. Granted, working in such close proximity can engender closeness and later feelings born from having to perform in tandem to complete a goal, but that would take character development and gosh we can't have that let's just snog.

Not to say superficial flings or spur-of-the-moment relationships can't happen, and can't be written well, but if what you're going for is love-ever-after and you don't even explore how ridiculous the entire situation is, and I mean that you had to make your female vulnerable because she couldn't connect with the guy when she was being badass, then I'm just not going to be able to buy into the happily-ever-after. Which, I suppose, I don't have to, since you're obviously writing it to fulfill your own fantasy and not in the pursuit of any free-standing merit.

And before you go into "that's the point of fanfiction" please remember I also included "amateur" fiction into this, and that if you didn't write your fanfiction in the hopes that others would read it, then you wouldn't post it on the internet.

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

So, My Boyfriend Won't Move to Arizona With Me

Me: You should be more whipped so I can make you move somewhere against your will.

Jordan: In order to be pussy-whipped, you have to care a lot more about sex than I do.

Me: *whine* I care about sex!

Jordan: You're dick-whipped!

Obviously, we are two very mature individuals to be going on three years of a long distance relationship.

Also, I'm now in like-like with the phrase "dick-whipped." Almost as good as vagina-o's.

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

I'm Looking for a Good Neighborhood

You know, it's always felt like blogging is missing something for me. Well, not 'always,' but for nearly a year now after quitting my successful World of Warcraft blog. A year counts as 'always,' okay?

Anyway, when I was writing that blog, I had a specific focus, an area of expertise (*snort*), and an audience. That audience still messages me to this day to see if I'm playing again because they want my advice. It was, and still is, an awesome feeling, though now it's tainted by irrational guilt because I can't help anymore.

But, that's not what I'm really missing.

What I'm missing is my online community. I still talk with a good many people who wrote (or still write) WoW-centered blogs, but I don't 'belong' to their group anymore. Not to say they exclude me, but how can I even begin to talk about something I know nothing about? Without being a douche, anyway.

So now, I have this blog, and it's completely focus-less and rambly, sporadically updated and impossibly twitchy, and I just don't know what I want to do with it. I don't know where it 'fits.' And yes, I know, "Write for yourself and what you want to write," etc. but that doesn't solve my problem of feeling like I lack a group, a sense of belonging to something larger than myself.

I've collected friend's blogs through general Facebook and Twitter stalking, but that seems to hardly amount to a greater community. In the end it boils down to severely confused 20-somethings who alternate between depression, revelation, anxiety and introspection. And if anyone knows anything about 20 somethings, it's that we haven't got a fucking clue most of the time and nothing we ever do is really cohesive, if even coherent.

I don't know if I really fit into a lot of the blog communities I do read, either. I mean, I read mommy bloggers a lot of the time (which should really be described as "real life bloggers who just happen to have children") and I'm not even close to being a mom.

And I'm definitely not saying I'm being actively excluded from blogging communities. My narcissism and self-centerdness in that spectrum is confined quietly to my mind where it will never escape, thanks. I guess I'm just frustrated because I'm not sure where to go and belong (which harkens back to the '20 somethings haven't got a fucking clue'). I want to belong somewhere because human nature psychological buzz words mob mentality, but leaving it up to me to figure out where is as bad as handing me a map that doesn't talk to me.

Seriously, give me a map and I will have to rotate the map in the direction headed so that I can give accurate left-right directions, after running through "Never-Eat-Shredded-Wheat" in my head and holding out my fingers in order to find which hand makes the L-shape for left. I am not a good navigator.

My cartography deficiencies aside, I know I can't just sit and wait for someone to hand me a golden key to a community. It didn't work like that in a very specialized sector like WoW, it certainly won't work in the wide world of random internet blogs (though, I mean, if you have a golden key like that, I won't say no). It's just pinning down where I want to be that's the problem.

I'm trying out different things, and hoping they stick. I'm trying to be more active on the blogs I do read. I'm trying to post more. I even created my 30 Minute Comics tumblr, in an effort to get my friends (and hopefully, eventually, strangers) involved in something light-hearted and fun. And, you know, I have to write in here more often.

Which should be obvious, but, well, I'm a 20 something. Another thing we tend to be is oblivious.

Friday, February 25, 2011

My Secret Obsession

If there's one thing I could be accused of hoarding, possibly beyond all reason, it would be notebooks. Spiral, composition, college-ruled, wide-ruled, five subject, three subject, one doesn't matter. If it is paper, ruled or blank or graph, bound together in some manner, then I am never, ever throwing it out.

I have to stay out of the office and school supply sections in the stores because I will take fifteen minutes out of my shopping time, at the least, to just look at paper bound inside thicker paper, or leather, or plastic, and some of them have cool designs, or are recycled newspaper, or rubber binding, or have magnetic clips, and some have paper that is ruled on one side and graph paper on the other, and some fit inside my purse while others need a backpack and and and and...

It's not just the notebooks, though I adore every single one. It's what's in them. Every silly little fanfiction from when I was ten, every original idea, every doodle and sketch, every hastily composed poem that I thought was award-winning verse...I kept it all. It's all mine. I flip through them and read through absolute crap involving my love affair with random anime characters and find some pretty cool gems buried in the filth.

I also remind myself how not to write a romance. But I can also open every harlequin book on the market and gag that down if I need a refresher in romantic predictability. Just as a heads up, the heated-arguments-with-a-slice-of-sexual-tension route is a little well-traveled. But I suppose predictability is helpful in literary porn as it helps us flip through to the steamy bits that much faster.


These notebooks are so important to me that, when my dad and I had a particularly bad fight and I thought I was being kicked out of the house, I salvaged two things first and foremost: a pearl ring my mother had given me that her grandmother had given her, and a messenger bag with a broken strap that was packed full of notebooks. It didn't matter that I hadn't looked at the contents of these notebooks but once a year since I stored them; I couldn't let them be lost to me. So in the car they went and are actually in my 'apartment' now, in the valued pile of 'shit I'm not getting rid of ever.'

For some semblance of value comparison, note that my Wii and all its accessories are still sitting in the 'undecided' area.

In those notebooks are two especially important composition books. The older of the two was one that my best friend ever and I wrote a co-authored X-Men Evolution fanfiction. This may not sound particularly awesome to you, but reading it now is pretty epic. We were something like...thirteen, fourteen years old, and she was visiting for the summer, because I'd moved to Pennsylvania, leaving her behind in Arizona. And that story is still pretty epic, and we can still remember important bits of it, almost a decade later. Silly fanfiction? Sure. Intense shot of nostalgia? Definitely.

The other is a red composition book, pasted to the hilt with magazine clippings. It was a note-passing book, between me and my friend Juli. Created on my impetus due to super petty high-school level envy that she was doing the same thing with our mutual friend K, and I was totally jealous that she wasn't doing it with me. It's been like five or six years now, I can own up to (some of) my insecurities. Reading through it now, I can laugh a little bit about how serious we thought life was then. I mean, some of it was serious (I believe that notebook was where I confessed that I'd been passing the medicine cabinet and contemplating downing everything in there (wow, dark place)), but a lot of it was just high school bullshit.

Though, I'm surprised we still call it 'high school bullshit' when everything that happened in high school tends to repeat itself in later life (also known as 'real life'), just on a different sort of scale and with different kinds of cliques. But I suppose high school bullshit is a condescending enough name for it, anyway.

I'm rambling.

Someday, I hope to do something with all of these notebooks. I hope they will be the impetus to me finally wrangling down a cohesive plot that isn't full of holes, and writing an excellent fantasy novel. And then, you know, getting as rich and famous as J.K. Rowling.



EDIT: I used 'impetus' twice within a single blog post. Does this make me a snooty blogger?

Monday, February 21, 2011

Taking Accountability

I don't think most people like to paint themselves as the bad guy. It makes you feel ugly inside, it hurts, to recognize flaws and know that you have the capacity to be terrible, or screw things up, or be wrong. It's hard to feel that way; it's hard to not defend yourself or admit that you don't always do your best.

But I've been trying lately to figure out what is wrong with me. To isolate those parts I'm unhappy with and adjust them, however I can. Not always to eliminate them, but even just to live with them, to change them...and improve.

I am not self-motivated. I cannot do things if the end result is simply for myself. I can't improve my life just for me. I've tried before, but then my jumble of anxiety, laziness, avoidance and fear of failure kick in, paralyzing me into a blob of useless inaction. I have been more motivated to create a change in my life in a week due to needing to be there for my brother, than I have in months of being unhappy with my own personal situation.

I am insecure. There is a part of me that is terrified of rejection. For months, I thought Jordan's interest in me amounted to a horrible practical joke, that at any moment someone would point and laugh and tell me I'd fallen for it, and what a dunce I was to think he could be interested in me. Thankfully, I swallowed it, and I put my trust in him to be genuine. And I've struggled with insecurity every step of the way, from my own feelings to other women being interested in him, to our few break ups and just plain old fear.

I avoid anything uncomfortable. Anything that could cause me fear, or anxiety, or just embarrassment, I shove to the side until it forces me to confront it. I put it off, and put it off, and put it off, hoping it will just vanish or take care of itself. For the moment, I've done that with some of my bills, knowing I don't have the money to pay them. I've been trying not to do it with this sudden plan to move to Arizona, even when there's a painful lump in my chest that's keeping me from sleeping well at night. And that's the worst of it; I know it makes me miserable to ignore these things, and yet I can't face them.

There's more, like my crippling fear of failure, or my impatience, but writing too much about this drags me down. While I can see it being helpful, possibly even therapeutic, writing about it forces me to think on it, which causes me to become even more anxious than normal. Rather than be a complete bundle of nerves, I'll save the others for some more soul searching later, and go back to the land of happy music.

Friday, February 18, 2011

I Made You A Mix CD

Sometimes, I get a little too inundated with suck.

Life sucks a bit right now. I'm super broke, and am going to move back home to save money. I'm behind on bills. I'm having stomach problems and am constantly shaky like I'm on caffeine (when I'm not). My dreams are weird, I'm trying to find homes for the last rats despite not wanting to give them up, and I'm still not getting enough hours at work.

Despite all this, I'm tired of everything being so depressing.

I have friends who never, ever, ever write anything happy, and it really bums me out and paints them in a sort of bitter, cynical, world-hating light. I understand that blogs and such are there for people to vent and cry and everything like that, and I'm not knocking that at all. I'm just so tired of being anxious and I can't seem to leave it behind.

I pick up on people around me, and on things I read. The more depressing things get, the more depressed I get. I get even more stressed and anxious and I stop sleeping and I eat half a Large bag of Peanut Butter M&Ms and then get sicker and hate myself and urghhwvtibvyqkrclnej.

So now, as I tend to do when I hear people are depressed, I make a mixed CD for them. Since I can't physically make everyone a mix-CD, I am going to provide a list of "SMILE DAMMIT" music for you. Enjoy it, and enjoy your extended weekend, US-dwellers who get national holidays off.

Janelle Monae - Tightrope
Christopher Tin - Baba Yetu
Hanson - Thinking 'Bout Something
Cee Lo Green - Fuck You (NSFW)
Celtic Woman - Spanish Lady
Florence and the Machine - Dog Days Are Over
Green Leaves - Yatta
Maroon 5 - Kiwi (NSFW)
La Roux - Not Your Toy
Lily Allen - Knock 'Em Out
Plain White Tees - Rhythm of Love
Sniper Twins - Computer Friends
Michael Franti & Spearhead - Say Hey (I Love You)